Final Fantasy VII: No Hope Disk One
by Jenova's Witnesses
Summary: Taking the sanctity of Final Fantasy VII... and obliterating it. Imbecile Cloud, attention seeking Tifa, useless Cait Sith, and homicidal Vincent But only against Cloud . Let the madness begin. M for later chapters, and spop's foul mouth. Summary inside
1. Progressive Stupidity

LONG ASS AUTHOR'S NOTES AHEAD.

**Spopococ:** Welcome, my puppets. We're here at the very first chapter of mine and HunterBelmont's parody of Final Fantasy VII. Whoever told us we were funny, this is your fault. What do they say? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery? Is this the case here? Probably not, but you be the judge. You know I love this game; I pick on it from love.

**HunterBelmont: **Umm I don't know what to say except I really hope you all enjoy it, and don't come after us with pitchforks and fire. I also am a huge fan of this game; if it's not ff7 then I don't care? That being said making fun of stuff you love is essential. So again don't take any offense if we make fun of your beloved characters, we only mean it in fun….except for Cat Sith, Tifa and Scarlett.

**Spopococ:** Well said. Onwards!

**Warnings:** **If you're a firm believer in the sanctity of Final Fantasy VII **and all of its affiliates, turn away now, because **we're about to destroy it**. **OOC** to the point of ridicule. (No, we don't want your ridicule, that's what the warning's for.) **Implied Yaoi, implied Yuri, implied everything 'different' about 'relationships'.** **Coarse Language**, simply because spopococ is a filthy potty mouth (She swears like a sailor). So's Hunter, but he won't admit it as freely. **Tifa, Cait Sith, Cloud, Aerith, Scarlett, Hojo etc. bashing.** If you can't handle any of the previous being picked on, well, what a sad life we must lead… I KID!

Basically, if you can't handle a ridiculous sense of the parody style of writing, this story is _**sooooo **_not for you.

_Chapter One: Progressive Stupidity- The Introduction of Cloud Strife_

_An introduction to the oncoming madness, the introduction of our hero (we use that term very loosely), and the circus of characters he finds to be his acquaintances. Gaia will never be the same again._

--

Midgar: a toxic city filled with pollution, corruption, and a power hungry corporation set on monopolizing the city. Eventually, their goal would be a hold over the entire planet. More often than not, the streets were lined with the poor and desperate, their eyes seeking hope from passers-by as their hands outstretched for any spare change an individual may kindly be willing to spare. The city was gargantuan; her sheer size, however, a mere dwarf in comparison to the significance of the individuals within. A lone figure proceeded to attempt the crossing of one of the slum's many cobbled streets, successfully managing to pry her dress from the clutches of a toothless hobo, and swatting said individual with a bouquet of neatly trimmed daffodils. Despite her close encounter with the homeless kind, her poise remained graceful as she straightened her outfit to gaze across the slum square. A basket hung loosely from her arm as her brunette hair fell around her shoulders, and she offered a small smile, before making her way towards sector seven. Business had been slow in the one gil flower market, but she held her determination that things would pick up. Unfortunately, for most in the slums, it was a world that they'd grown accustomed to. When a toxic plate hovered above them, robbing them the rights of a clear sky or fresh air, the only thing her people held close to their hearts was hope, and the occasional switchblade or revolver.

The city ran from Mako energy, a life force produced by the planet itself, and harnessed by ShinRa. Run by president ShinRa, a blatantly egotistical individual, ShinRa had invested years building a stronghold over the people of Gaia, and had in turn, used it to gain trust. In doing so, they now had mako harnessing reactors all over the world. Eight reactors rested in Midgar alone, simply to provide for the increasing demand of the Planet's most densely populated city. Midgar was a twisting metal empire of cobbled roads, LOVELESS posters, poverty, and one of the most technologically advanced train systems in existence. Whilst the customer service was less than reputable, the reliability of the services was. As the clock neared quarter past ten on a seemingly uneventful evening outside the number one reactor, a train slowly rolled up to the platform and came to a stop with a low hiss. Two guards have their attention drawn the vehicle, as a burly female embarks from the roof, a graceful dive making for a spectacular entrance. Several punches later, and a guard was disarmed.

"Shit!" The remaining guard cried, before effectively being bowled over by a renegade mercenary and a portly man with a fashionable backwards facing cap.

The female gave a satisfied nod, before disappearing around the corner, followed shortly after by her mismatched comrades. It was then that a beefy guy of the darker skin persuasion disembarked the train with a disgruntled expression on his face. Half an hour stowed away on a train had been less than a joyous occasion for all involved, and he was no exception. He pulled his shorts from their lodgings within his nether regions, and a little of the disgruntled expression was eased.

"C'mon newcomer, follow me," He demanded, swinging his arms in a manly fashion, before heading for the direction of his peers. There was a brief pause, enough for quite the dramatic entrance, before Cloud Strife, ex-SOLDIER extraordinaire, cart-wheeled his way into history.

More often than not, a hero was defined as a person who is plucky and likeable; a good role model for today's youth, choosing to do what was always right, and holding virtue above rewards. Cloud Strife was not one of those. He raised his eyes as he stood upon the platform, before sidling over to the crippled bodies of the Shinra employees and raiding their pockets, pleasantly satisfied with the discovery of potions. Cloud headed in the direction of his beefy friend, before encountering two more ShinRa guards. Ever the optimist, Cloud faced the challenge with determination, hopeful for more spoils to come his way.

"Jesus Christ, would you look at this clown?" One of the ShinRa guards offered to his colleague, who let out a small snort in return. Cloud gave a mortified expression, before giving himself the once over and determining that no, he looked as fabulous as always.

"You got a lot of nerve talking to me like that," Cloud replied coolly, holding his nonchalant expression whilst patiently awaiting his turn to attack. A bullet hit him square in the chest, knocking some health off of the blonde headed fighter, before he fell one of his foes with a single attack.

"That guy had kids, man!" The remaining foe cried out, firing further bullets at Cloud in determined anger. The ex-SOLDIER offered a small smirk, dodging the attack, before cutting expendable ShinRa guard two down in another well aimed swipe. Cloud swung his sword atop his head, smugly pleased with the results and adequately showing it with an appropriate victory pose, as his victims lay twitching before him.

"Man I'm good," The blonde nodded, heading after the others.

Cloud found the rest of the crew huddled by a reactor entrance gate, and offered a brief moment of thought as to why they hadn't offered him assistance in the seven random battles he'd encountered on his way here. All was forgiven as thin mercenary turned to speak to him, offering a small smile.

"Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER all right! Not everyday ya find one in a group like AVALANCHE," mercenary mused, as burly female turned a half interested glance in their direction.

"SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?" she asked, as Cloud gave a small frown. It felt as if, for some odd reason, the attention wasn't being focused entirely on him.

…_Can't she ask __**me**__ questions or something? I don't need a freaking mediator…_

"Hold it, Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER. He quit them and now is one of us. Didn't catch your name...?" Thin mercenary replied in defence of Cloud, and quite satisfied with the shift of attention back to him, he offered a casual nod.

"…Cloud," The blonde introduced himself. Thin mercenary gave a warm smile, before beginning to introduce himself.

"I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over... I'm outta here," Cloud shrugged nonchalantly, as thin mercenary muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'man bitch', before focusing his attentions on burly female.

The warm and fuzzy atmosphere amongst the group was then interrupted by the entrance of the beefy guy before, who had seemingly appeared from an entirely opposite direction of the others. Cloud watched as beefy guy waved a gun around in apparent annoyance.

…_Holy shit, is that his actual ARM?! _Cloud thought, fighting to stop his nonchalant expression from disappearing.

"The hell you all doin'!?" Beefy guy cried, arms still flailing, "I thought I told you never to move in a group!"

…_Seriously, if that's his actual arm, that's some messed up shit right there…_

"Our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it," Beefy guy nodded, sending the rest of the group scattering before turning his attentions to Cloud. The blonde subtly shifted his gaze from the gun arm and forced himself to hold beefy guy's eyes, which were seemingly suspicious and blatantly pissed.

…_Busted…_

"Ex-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya!" Beefy guy cried, before Cloud was suddenly aware of his companion's name being Barret.

"If you push the Directional button while pushing the…" Barret began.

"Dude, I _know_ how to run," Cloud interrupted drily, a vein throbbing in Barret's forehead before the gun-guy headed for the reactor.

Cloud took the spare moment to look up at the scenery, seemingly suddenly aware what he was now expected to do. He let out a low whistle at the size of the thing, before following Barret into the reactor.

--

Cloud felt mysteriously drawn to speak with Wedge, standing over by the ladder, before continuing to follow Barret and the other two.

"Hey Biggs, what are you doing?" asked the mercenary.

"…My name's _Wedge_..." Wedge muttered, partly hurt by being confused with his partner by Cloud, yet again.

"What was that Biggs?" Cloud replied, not really caring who he was talking to at all, and therefore entirely disregarding whatever Rolly had to say.

"…I'll secure the escape passage; concentrate on the mission Cloud," Wedge sighed, ignoring the blonde's hurtful comments.

"Are you comin' on to me?" Cloud eyed him suspiciously.

"Wha….Geez where really going to blow this huge furnace up? That will be something to see!" Wedge scratched behind his head, wondering where the statement had come from.

Cloud strutted off, not really caring what else Rolly had to say, before breaking into a run to catch up to Barret and the others.

_What's the deal with people hitting on me so much?_

Barret and the other two random people, whose names he didn't really care about, we're waiting impatiently as Cloud caught up with them.

"Yo, is this your first time in a reactor?" Barret asked inquisitively, before punching a wall for no real reason.

"No I did work for ShinRa, y'know," Cloud replied, flicking his hair a bit as his mind wandered to how he was definitely the best looking member of the group already.

Cloud gave a soft sigh, barely managing to endure the lecture that Barret then offered regarding the mako reactors sucking the planet dry, or at least something along those lines, before forcibly returning his attention to the gun-mans' words.

"I'm not here for a lecture," Cloud replied drily, as Barret's forehead vein throbbed slightly. He extended his real hand in a shaky little display of his annoyance, before informing Cloud that the blonde would now 'be coming with him from now on'. Once again, Cloud wondered if the amount of innuendoes being implied in his adventures was above standards or not, before Barret merged himself into Cloud's body. Cloud followed burly woman then, standing by her as thin mercenary fiddled around with some buttons and declared somewhat arrogantly that he had indeed, deciphered the code. Cloud gave a small eye roll, aware that once again, someone was attempting to steal the spotlight.

"Think of how many people risked their lives, just for this code…" Thin mercenary remarked in awe, as Cloud gave a sidelong glance.

…_Good Gaia, what kind of nut job am I working with here?_

Entering through yet another door, Cloud was pleasantly surprised to find thin mercenary would be staying behind. Conveniently enough, Cloud strayed away from the group momentarily and stumbled across a blatantly displayed treasure chest, gathering more spoils from his kleptomania.

It was then that a gruff voice rang through his head, sounding suspiciously like Barret, demanding he 'move his punk ass' to the elevator. The blonde shrugged, moving into the contraption whilst giving a sidelong look at burly woman.

…_Jessie, was it? Eh, not bad in these desperate times… At least it's better than Barret cracking on to me…_

"Push that button over there!" Jessie cried, gesturing at the corner of the elevator.

…_Pushy little bitch though…_

"Why don't you do it?" Cloud replied sulkily, before being met with a glower. Never one to deal with temperamental women, Cloud did as he was told and pushed said button. It was at that time that Barret once again made his presence known, going off on another tangent about mako energy and Shinra being the evil of all mankind.

"Not my problem," Cloud shrugged, as Barret let out a string of curses, muffled by hash tags and dollar signs.

"The only thing I care about is finishin' this job before security and the Roboguards come," Cloud explained, as Barret had a small aneurism in the corner before reluctantly merging once again with the blonde.

Once the elevator had stopped, the group made their way out and continued into the reactor. Cloud ran into Jessie, who proceeded to try and explain to him how to climb a ladder. Cloud was beginning to think that the instructions on doing day to day activities may be rewarded to him simply because of his hair colour.

_You know, I'm not the stereotypical dumb blonde or anything…_

Cloud let out another silent prayer of relief, as Jessie remained behind, the blonde continuing to find the reactor core, listening to Barret's incessant nagging within the blonde's conscious all the while. Conveniently, a save point was placed on the path heading down to where the reactor core was supposed to be located.

"Pretty sure this means we're likely to die," Cloud remarked out loud, as Barret had another small aneurism, another string of curses filling the air. Cloud approached the reactor core, unbearably close to his destination, before stumbling upon a random battle. Common occurrence as this was, the blonde couldn't help but feel a tinge of annoyance at the interruption to his prime time. Barret leapt into action, seemingly keen to let off a little steam due to Cloud's mere proximity. The blonde didn't mind too much, it was less work for him, but just as much credit. It was an easy battle, the monsters falling relatively easily, as Cloud struck his victory pose, sword swinging over his shoulders.

"Why do you do that for?" Barret asked, his face set into a grim line as he eyes of the ex-SOLDIER suspiciously.

"Looks cool. Makes me feel pret- Uh, makes me feel manly," Cloud shrugged, flexing his biceps a little, the gun-man's temple vein throbbing violently. Should they survive this reactor mission, Barret doubted he'd survive any longer with Cloud.

Cloud walked into the reactor as Barret unmerged with him moving forward, loudly proclaiming, "When we blow this place, it ain't gonna be nothin' left but a hunka junk!"

The burly gun-man then turned to Cloud, punching the metal reactor next to him as he did.

"Cloud you set up the bomb."

"Shouldn't you do it?" Cloud asked, getting more and more annoyed with the amount of work he was doing and being underpaid for it.

_1500 gil is not enough to put up with all this, and all the work they are making me do as well? It's inhuman. All that running and climbing wasn't in the job description._

"Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'" Barret replied, holding back his urge to shoot the blonde in his smug face.

"You comin' onto me?" Cloud eyed Barret suspiciously, before slowly setting up the bomb that would level the reactor with ease.

_I'm like candy to these people, I swear to Gaia._

Cloud approached the reactor, a shrill tone ringing in his ears as a voice filled his conscious.

"_Watch out! This isn't just a reactor!!" _

The blonde promptly fell to the floor, eyes wide as he curled into the fetal position and resisted the urge to suck his thumb.

"Yo Cloud, what's the deal?" Barret asked, waving a metallic arm dramatically.

"Oh God! The voices!" The blonde sobbed, rocking slightly, "Again with the voices!"

Barret eyed the blonde off as Cloud rocked further amongst whimpers of 'Mummy' and 'I'm not crazy, I'm not', before dragging his punk ass up to set the bomb.

"I'm okay," Cloud reassured, righting himself as he dusted off his outfit, "I'm okay. I'm all good."

Cloud nodded, letting Barret know, once again, that everything was fine, before setting the bomb. An alarm wailed, sending a start through the already shaky blonde, before Barret aimed his gun arm towards their exit and declared that 'they' were coming.

"Oh, right. Security or whatever," The blonde calmed himself, before being thrust into a battle with what appeared to be a giant robot scorpion. The blonde flailed slightly, hoping to God that Barret would run with him in his attempts to flee.

"What the _fuck_ is _that_?!?" The blonde spluttered, Barret aiming determinedly at the monster.

"Let's kick its ass!" The gun-man bellowed, much to the dismay of the ex-SOLDIER. They were about to fight something at _least_ twelve times their size, and things were not likely to go well. It was high school at Nibelheim all over again.

…_Sticks and stones, sticks and stones… and metallic robot limbs and giant pincers and mother fu-_

"Yo Cloud! Fight!" Barret snapped, drawing the blonde from his paranoid musings.

The usual victory music played as somehow, Cloud and Barret had pulled off the impossible and emerged victorious against insurmountable odds, at least in Cloud's mind.

_Yeah, only reason we won was because I was here. No sweat really; I had everything under control._

"Hey Cloud, I gotta ask somethin'" Barret turned to the blonde slowly after completing their usual victory poses.

"What is it Barret?" Cloud replied, catching his breath a bit and using the time to see what spoils the monster had dropped for them.

_Why did a giant metallic scorpion have an assault gun and 100 Gil for?_

"Your limit break's called Braver, right?" Barret asked, getting inquisitive.

"Yeah, what's your point?" Cloud said, starting to get frustrated. They were losing precious fleeing time.

"Well it's shocking, since you're usually such a sissy," Barret chuckled to himself. Making jokes against the blonde's expense was quickly becoming a hobby of his. It helped ease some of the pressure on his brain.

Before Cloud could answer, the alarm went off again and Barret was screaming that they should get out of there quickly.

"10 minutes till my bomb goes off," Barret proudly said, before heading back to merge with Cloud.

"Oh God, ten minutes! Jesus Christ, run! Run damn it!" Cloud started to panic again, letting out a rather girly scream.

"Yeah, or we'll only have six minutes to kill before the bomb explodes," Barret replied sarcastically, before merging back with the blonde.

"Ruuuuuuuunnnnnnnn away!" Cloud yelled at the top of his lungs, before fleeing in the fastest way he knew how.

_Oh Gaia, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die and I never even got to shine as a main character._

Cloud rushed through the reactor, as fast as his legs could take him, still screaming at the top of his lungs. Climbing back up the ladders to where they left Jessie behind, she seemed to be less concerned about the mortal peril Cloud was clearly facing.

…_Where's the support here?_

"You alright?" Cloud asked, feeling compelled to pretend to care, yet again.

"My leg got stuck," Jessie replied, fluttering her eyelashes a bit trying to catch the mercenary's attention.

"Wow, that's pretty stupid. What are you, a klutz or something?" Cloud scratched his head, before helping the butch out of her predicament.

_What was wrong with her eyes? It's like she's got some kind of nervous tick or something._

They both ran, entering the elevator and pushing the up button, effectively stopping the clock till the elevator had reached the top.

_Oooh… I like this song._

Cloud began to hum the elevator music, before being whacked over the head by Barret rather hard.

"Idiot, this ain't no time to be hummin'!" Barret snapped, before merging back again.

Cloud continued the tune in his head as the elevator descended, before coming to a jolting stop. As the doors chimed open, a ringing filled Cloud's ears once again, sending a shudder of panic through the blonde.

"_We should really get that on CD or something, ya know?"_

"Hey, good idea," Cloud agreed out loud, as Barret gave him a sideways glance. The blonde shrugged casually and headed for the exit, stopping to help Jessie up once again. He could have sworn she was doing this on purpose, you know, because he was so incredibly, incredibly good looking and all. The timer was nearing the six minute mark now, and Cloud had the jitters. He strode to the exit, just as the bomb tore through the reactor; although Cloud was having difficulty comprehending where said six minutes went exactly. Jessie set a bomb then, ensuring that they would have a clear escape through the reactor without having to use their limited hacking skills to open a door and all, and managed to successfully flee through the reactor's confines, Cloud managing to execute a dive roll well worthy of at least an eight. Cloud stood straight, dismayed to find that only Barret seemed to be paying any attention. Rolly was apparently on fire, thin mercenary was clearly imitating Cloud's cool factor, and burly woman, whilst staring directly at Cloud, seemed not to have been entirely focused on the performance at hand.

"Could have had a better landing," Barret murmured, as Cloud offered a shrug.

"All right, now let's get out of here. Rendezvous at Sector 8 station! Split up and get on the train!" Barret barked, sending a clear message for the crew to disperse as quickly as was possible. Cloud, however, stayed behind, receiving a warning glare from AVALANCHE's leader.

"What's yer problem Spikey?" The gun-man stared, gaze unwavering on the blonde's eager expression. He turned to leave, and Cloud panicked slightly.

"H, hey!" The blonde reached for the bulkier man's arm, who seemed mildly concerned with the seemingly affectionate gesture.

"If it's about your money save it 'til we're back at the hideout," Barret grunted, making his exit in a spectacular fashion up a flight of stairs.

…_Asshole… I want my money…_

Cloud gave a small nod to himself as he watched the man leave, before casually strolling towards the staircase, the elevator tune still looping through his mind.

--

**A/N**:

**Spopococ:** One gil for flowers, ridiculous.

**HunterBelmont:** I know, right? It's crazy.

**Spopococ:** I know!

**HunterBelmont:** Damn recession, even affecting Gaia. Times are tough all over.

**Expendable ShinRa guard 2: **Tell me about it. One day you're struggling to pay the mortgage, next day your wife's left with your funeral bill.

**Spopococ: **Ouch.

**HunterBelmont: **Hey, aren't you dead?

**Expendable ShinRa guard 2:** Author's notes. They have no affect on the actual story.

**Spopococ:** He got you there. Anyway, hope you guys liked! If you did, leave a review. Any questions or amusing feedback we get are likely to be replied to via video post. Exciting, huh? Thought so.


	2. Casino Corel

LONG ASS A/N AHOY.

**Spopococ: **Well here we are again, chapter twooo! Apparently our American friends had something called the Superbowl happening. Exciting stuff? Good. Well, I'm kinda short on words and full of gelato, so Hunter's turn.

**HunterBelmont: **Yes, chapter two... Chap~ter two... not much we can say about it. Simply that it's now with 20% more laughs and more Cloud being... Cloud.

**Spopococ: **Our version, anyway. SO, we're working on putting a video up for question time. It's too big too upload AT THE MOMENT. Deal. With. It.

**HunterBelmont:** And by popular demand (from spop), author's notes shall include Sephiroth breaking the fourth wall with us!

**Spopococ:** *squeal*

**HunterBelmont:** ...Also because we can't get rid of him.

**Warnings:** **If you're a firm believer in the sanctity of Final Fantasy VII **and all of its affiliates, turn away now, because **we're about to destroy it**. AGAIN. **OOC** to the point of ridicule. (No, we don't want your ridicule, that's what the warning's for.) **Implied Yaoi, implied Yuri, implied everything 'different' about 'relationships'.** **Coarse Language**, simply because spopococ remains a filthy potty mouth (Hunter stands by his previous statement). **Progressive stupidity regarding Cloud, and a large dose of Tifa bashing this chapter.** I'd say we're doing it with love, but I don't think we are.

_Chapter Two- Casino Corel, the story of Barret (or 00sector7)_

_Our 'hero' meets Aerith, the slum drunk, (or was it flower girl?) before suffering through a reunion with his childhood 'friend'. Cloud has money issues, and Barret makes the hard admission of his chronic gambling issues. _

--

Sector one was primarily a dank, dark, and overall miserable residential area. Like many of its sister slums, it was filled with a toxic cloud of mako pollution and the festering substances created from rubbish littering the streets. It was far from the streets of Nibelheim that Cloud could recall somewhat clearly in his subconscious. The mountain air had been crisp and fresh, and far from capable of burning his nostrils quite like Midgar had taken the opportunity to do. Cloud gave a casual stroll through the slums, well aware that Barret had insisted they make haste in heading for the train station, before settling eyes on a lady dressed in pink, practically being trampled by over eager slum scum, most likely scoping out the next bar. After picking herself up and dusting herself off, the woman offered a smoky green gaze in Cloud's direction and smiled slightly, making her way over.

_...Ah man, she's probably after my autograph or something..._

"Excuse me, what happened?" the young woman asked the blonde haired mercenary, fluttering her eyelashes a bit.

"Nothing, hey listen....." Cloud looked into her eyes, feeling familiarity in them before noticing the flowers she carried, "Don't see many flowers around here"

"Oh these? Do you like them? They're only a gil..." The flower girl bombed the blonde with questions, still fluttering her eyes.

_Another one with a tick..... though a step up from butch._

"Sure, I'll buy one," Cloud handed over the money, feeling as if he was being forced to do it against his will.

The flower girl smiled bigger, "Oh thank you! Here you are," she handed over a white daffodil.

_This would look great in my hair......_

He blinked, noticing the girl had already vanished before he could ask her for her name or number.

"Wow she is fast...but no girl can resist the Strife for long," Cloud smiled to himself, making sure nobody was around before striking a pose and starting off again.

Cloud moved slowly through the streets, not bothering to talk to many people, well aware that most slum people were below his usual standards of conversation. He was Cloud Strife, ex-SOLDIER turned mercenary, after all. More often than not, he didn't mean to appear arrogant in the eyes of the so obviously endearing fans around him, but Midgar was bringing out a slightly darker side. A boy approached him, smiling slightly with a piece of paper and pen.

_...Autograph request... Awesome..._

"Excuse me Sir, but-"The child began nervously.

"Yeah, ex-SOLDIER," Cloud interrupted, "Look, I'm flattered and all, but I don't really do autographs."

"Actually, I was just-"

"Stay in school, kid," The blonde offered a small smile, moving to ruffle the child's hair before the thought of fleas crossed his mind, and he thought better of it. The kid seemed well aware of this fact, and his expression changed almost instantly.

"I'm collecting money for the school fete, ass wipe," The kid snapped, offering a small but sturdy glare in the blonde's direction. Had Cloud not been the hero material he was, he may very well have blushed. He didn't, however, offering a murmur somewhere along the lines of 'You know, I once took out an entire fleet of Wutaian Soldiers pretty much single-handedly. That's pretty special, you know.' before handing over two gil. The kid gave a half hearted thank you as he snatched the money, before hurrying down the street.

Cloud continued through the slums searching for this mystery train station. He turned a corner slowly; noticing how dark the alley had become, right before running smack into two Shinra guards.

"Hey you there!" the first guard said pointing his gun directly at Cloud.

_Gotta think quickly......what would Sephiroth do....._

Cloud turned tail and ran.

_Don't have a masamune....._

Cloud's escape was hampered as he ran into more guards, before quickly becoming completely surrounded by them.

"That's as far as you go!" The lead guard shouted.

"I don't have time to be messin' around with you guys," Cloud retorted, before running again, missing what one guard shouted at him.

_Time to do something completely awesome._

Cloud moved to the edge of the bridge back flipping off it onto the train that was coming down the tracks. He stood up straight, giving a self satisfied nod as he held his balance flawlessly onto the train's roof.

"Oh yeah I am totally aweso......." Cloud was cut off, as his head smashed into the tunnel with a loud crack, knocking him clean out.

The train bumped along as Barret, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie rode in the luggage compartment in silence until Wedge let out a soft sigh.

"Cloud never came...."

"Cloud....Wonder if he was killed?" Biggs lamented a little at the thought of the Ex-Soldier dying.

Barret laughed a bit, "20 to 1 says he did."

Barret, hearing a loud thump, looked up to the ceiling of the train.

"What the hell was that?"

"Cloud......" Jessie looked down. To her, the blonde couldn't die; he was more to her than anyone could have guessed.

"Say, do you think Cloud's......" Biggs began to say, before being interrupted.

"NO! Just camp!" Jessie yelled, before turning red at noticing that everyone was now staring at her in confusion.

"Going to fight to the end for AVALANCE?" Biggs finished, trying to break the awkward silence between the group.

Barret stood up, "The hell should I know? What do I look like, a mind reader?"

Barret gave a small grunt, before looking at Biggs.

"No, nobody thinks your uniform makes you look fat, by the way."

Barret hit the crate next to him with an iron fist.

"Hmph!! If y'all weren't such screw-ups..."

"Hey Barret what about our money..." Wedge asked before being silenced by Barret hitting another crate smashing it into pieces. Wedge shifted uncomfortably, his thoughts straying to Barret's anger management issues.

"Uh, nothin'... sorry..." Wedge shrugged, another uncomfortable silence falling over the group. Wedge had always considered the group as a family of sorts, and such tensions usually made him wonder if perhaps they spent too much time together. Twenty four hours a day with Barret was beginning to take a toll on him, but if he dared to voice his opinion, it was often immediately quashed with a string of curses from the group leader. He often did whatever Barret asked of him, and all in all, he thought it made him quite a fitting lackey. His thoughts were interrupted then, as a series of thumps on the roof of the train drew their attention to the ceiling. Wedge let out a soft sigh as the door of the train slid open, well aware his brief moment of recognition as a legitimate character was over. Cloud entered with a spectacular cartwheel, relishing in the immediate attention he was rewarded.

"Cloud!" Biggs cried with starry eyed admiration. The blonde gave a small nod of recognition, as Jessie gave a soft sigh of his name, and Wedge's cheeks apparently flared with suppressed rage. Cloud gave a casual wave of his hand, as Barret flailed slightly in his startled surprise.

"Looks like I'm a little late," Cloud smirked slightly, cocking his head back as he offered a small shrug.

"You damn right, you're late! Come waltzin' in here makin' a big scene!" Barret snapped, as he glared at the blonde.

"Shit!" Barret hissed, his temple throbbing excessively, "Having everyone worry like that you don't give a damn about no one but yourself!"

"Hmm... you were worried about me!" The blonde exclaimed, smiling charmingly, before his smile slipped abruptly, "...Are you comin' onto me?"

"Wha'?!?" Barret gaped, eye twitching as he turned from the blonde and shook all over, "I'm takin' it outta your money, hot stuff!"

Barret moved towards the end of the train car before shouting at them all, "Wake up, We're movin' out! Follow me!"

He then exited the car followed by Wedge, who said something Cloud suspected was praising him for how awesome he was.

"Hehe.....Cloud! We'll do even better next time!" Biggs complimented before leaving.

_Has hotting an mo._

"That was weird..." Cloud said softly, his inner musings seemingly scattered.

"Be careful, I'll shut this" Jessie chided, moving to close the door through which Cloud had made his grand entrance. She moved over to him, frowning slightly.

"Oh Cloud! Your face is pitch black....." she sighed, wiping the gunk off his face.

_Sha hotting an mo tee_

"There ya go!....Oh, and thanks for helping me back at the reactor, Cloud. It really means a lot to me."

"Uhh no problem, it's what us heroes do," Cloud shrugged awkwardly, before Jessie took her leave, cheeks flushed red.

_Whotz wrang weth ma_

"_Pretty sure the blow to your head screwed up your inner thought monologue a bit"_

_Ob thabks_

Cloud nodded, satisfied with the mystery voice's assistance, before heading to meet up with the rest of his crew.

The voice over the train's intercom was loud, yet informative, despite being muffled, distorted, and all around scratchy, clearly a result of the sheer power of Shinra's exceptional electrical equipment.

"Last train out of Sector 8 Station. Last stop is Sector 7, Train Graveyard. Expected time of arrival is 12:23 AM, Midgar standard time..."

Barret burst through the door, trying to make a scene as a well dressed business man quickly jumped from his seat and went to the next car, trying to avoid the burly gun-man and the rest of his rag tag group.

Cloud walked over to one man who was reading a newspaper.

""You see the headlines in the Shinra Times?" Cloud shook his head as the man continued, "The terrorists that bombed the No. 1 Reactor are based somewhere in the slums." The man paused again, "...blowing up a Reactor... they sure put some thought into this one, they must have a real calculating leader. I wonder what they'll do next."

Cloud eyed Barret, who had a blatantly superior smirk on his face, a clear sign that he knew he was being talked about. Cloud took it as a personal attack that there was no mention of an Ex-Soldier. "Stop actin' like a damn kid and si' down an' shu' up," Barret chided gruffly, his arms stretching languidly across the seat. Cloud kept moving, abruptly not wanting to be near his "leader" anymore. He reluctantly chose to instead listen to what Rolly had to say.

"Someday AVALANCE's gonna be famous.....and me too!" The terrorist smiled cheerfully at the blonde.

"Maybe if they have a hotdog eating contest..." Cloud mumbled softly.

"What was that, Cloud?" Rolly asked, smile faltering slightly.

"Not a damn thing," Cloud reassured, offering a pat on Rolly's shoulder before sidling offer to butch female and half heartedly attempting to feign interest.

Cloud managed to listen to her rattle on about Midgar's train system for the next five minutes, her drone lulling him into an almost catatonic stare, before she smiled over her shoulder at him when she'd finished. Cloud offered a suave smile, throwing on the charm, and sadly disappointed to find Jessie developing a nervous tick once again. The blonde gave a small shrug, before listening to Biggs sleep talking about his obvious dislike for Barret. Cloud was beginning to think that maybe the guy wasn't so bad after all.

"Hey Barret, you should listen to this guy backstab-" Cloud began, before Barret abruptly cut him off.

"Look... you can see the surface now. This city don't have no day or night. If that plate weren't there... we could see the sky."

""A floating city... Pretty unsettling scenery," Cloud mused, leaning forward on the chair and offering a thoughtful gaze out the window. Barret offered a concerned look in the blonde's direction, before standing and stepping slowly away.

"Huh? Never expect to hear that outta someone like you... You jes' full of surprises," Barret noted, "You sick or something?"

The blonde shrugged, standing up straight.

"I'm thinking it's concussion. Hit my head on an overpass before," Cloud shrugged casually, Barret raising a brow. The blonde leant casually on one of the bars provided on the train, before the overhead luggage compartment shifted slightly, toppling a suitcase to hit his head.

"You jes' a clumsy ass pretty boy, you are," Barret murmured, throwing a look of disdain in Cloud's direction.

…_At least I'm pretty, fat ass…_

"It's okay," Cloud declared, "I think I'm fixed now. Dialogue seems in order."

Barret seemingly ignored the statement.

"The upper world... a city on a plate... It's 'cuz of that frickin 'pizza', that people underneath are sufferin'! And the city below is full of polluted and on topa that, the Reactor keeps drainin' up all the energy," Barret remarked thoughtfully, as Cloud offered a puzzled look.

"Then why doesn't everyone move onto the plate?" The blonde asked. Barret opened his mouth in a wordless gesture, seemingly intending to speak, but he closed it briefly after some thought.

"Dunno. Probably 'cuz they ain't got no money. Or, maybe...'Cuz they love their land, no matter how polluted it gets…" Barret shrugged slightly, and Cloud accepted the answer with little more thought. He offered some half-hearted line about trains and lines, but it seemed that his insight had disappeared along with the concussion. Upon arriving at the station, everyone clambered off and gathered at the bottom of the platform. Barret, despite his continued repetition of the 'need for anonymity', was declaring at the top of his lungs that there mission had been easy, but not to be scared of the next explosion they were going to face. Thankfully the train guard seemed to turn a blind ear. Barret then sent everyone off to their own devices, demanding that they meet at the hideout. Cloud left the train station slowly, in no real rush, knowing that however fast he chose to progress, Barret would yell about him doing something wrong.

The slums were littered with trash and the people weren't much better, dirty and scrounging for whatever they could get.

…_No place for a highly trained warrior…_ the blonde thought with a grimace, but pay was pay, and he needed the money.

…_These people are lucky to get a glimpse at a world-class guy like me; skilled, damn good looking, and the most manly man around……damn that dress would look good on me..._

As Cloud arrived at the secret AVALANCE headquarters, Barret was throwing all the patrons out, violently shooting up the place. Cloud couldn't help but wonder just how the bar stayed in business.

"Ok everyone, get yo asses in here now!" Barret yelled, meeting his usual expectations of barking orders.

Cloud casually walked in, paying brief attention to a rather annoying little girl screaming on about her papa, and a rather big breasted woman who walked over to him.

"Welcome home Cloud, looks like everything went well. Did you fight with Barret?" The woman asked, Cloud admittedly a little… distracted… before answering.

"Yeah I fought with him," Cloud replied, eyes straying from the girl's eyes.

"I should have known. He's always pushing people around, and you've always been in fights ever since you were little, I was worried." Suddenly, Cloud became aware that the big breasted woman's name was Tifa. He should have known that beforehand, growing up in the same town as her and all, but as she'd spoken to him, her name had been little more than a blank.

"Is….is that a flower, Cloud? They're so rare in the slums, is it for me?" Tifa asked, leaning forward a bit.

_Flower…? Oh… right… the flower in my hair; bitch is trying to steal it!_

"_Just give the kid the flower"_

"No, the flowers are for the kid," Cloud shrugged, handing the flower to the little girl as she ran off, and hid behind the bar.

_Ungrateful little….._

Tifa apologized for the incident and Cloud gave an acknowledging nod in her torso's direction, before he oddly felt drawn to talk to Rolly again.

"Oh Cloud, Tifa cooks real good food mmm mmmm," The butterball grinned, chicken noodles hanging from his lips. Cloud thought for a second that he really didn't need to know that, as he could see Rolly's weight increasing with every bite.

"Anyway let me tell ya something…" Rolly paused, finally managing to swallow his mouthful.

"About what?" Again, Cloud felt his answer was already made for him.

"Tifa always lets me taste her cooking and look at me now, I'm rolly-polly. Don't know whether I should be happy or sad. But it's the good food and drinks that make this shop famous." The fat terrorist grinned, which honestly explained a lot in Cloud's mind. He didn't really need to know the guy's surname, but the blonde stored the 'Polly' information for further reference.

Cloud was then encouraged by thin mercenary to booze up with him. The drunken slurs of Boggs, Buggs, Biggs, whatever his name was, gradually slid Cloud's attention back to burly woman. She accused him of being too excited, and Cloud was hoping that the effect of Tifa's presence wasn't showing as clearly as he thought it may be. Bored with the drunken atmosphere, Cloud headed for the door, before being blocked by Barret's bulky chest and flailing gun arm. Despite the gruff demeanor, the stony face of Barret softened a little on sight of the little girl nagging behind the bar. She greeted him with a wide smile and a flying leap into the man's arms. When realizing that Cloud had given the girl a flower, Barret turned doting eyes to the blonde, and Cloud squirmed slightly in his seat. He knew he was attractive, but it was getting a bit much. The little girl offered a shy thank you, before Barret engaged in a game of pinball, only holding Cloud's attention when he abruptly disappeared into the floor.

…_Maybe the fumes are getting to me…_

Tifa offered a small smile, and Cloud heard her chest demand he sit. Never one to refuse a good set of br- lips… Cloud took his seat and offered a casual shrug.

"So what happens if someone comes in and wants to play pinball?" The blonde shrugged. Tifa completely disregarded the statement, fussing over the bar taps, spending an ample amount of time in the ice box on the floor, her gaze shifting occasionally to the blonde.

"How about something to drink?" The brunette asked. Cloud offered a suave smile and winked slightly.

"Give me something hard," The blonde asked, and Tifa raised a concerned brow.

"I never knew you leant that way…"

…_Fuck…_

"Well, what I meant was…"

"You know, I'm relieved you made it back safe," Tifa interjected, seemingly averting from the awkward conversation.

"What's with you all of a sudden? That wasn't even a tough job," Cloud shrugged, practically inhaling his drink.

"I guess not. You were in SOLDIER."

…_Damn right I was…_

Cloud placed his drink back on the counter and stood, swaggering slightly. Ever since he was a cadet, it didn't take much to get him blotto.

"Blo~tto," The blonde smiled slightly, enjoying the roll of the word on his tongue on the thought of it, before Tifa offered a concerned furrowing of her brows.

"Make sure you get your pay from Barret," Tifa nodded, as Cloud swaggered slightly.

"Don't worry, once I get that money I'm outta here."

"Cloud, are you feeling alright?" The brunette asked, Cloud's eyes forcefully being drawn from their comfortable position on her chest.

"…yeah… why?"

"No reason. You just look tired, I guess. You better go down below," The brunette shrugged. Cloud gave a casual shrug before staggering towards the pinball machine, glancing up at the neon sign in the corner of the bar.

…_Texas? What the hell is a Texas?_

Tifa offered a reassuring smile as he headed for the pole, before Cloud confidently wrapped his legs around the pole and spun, allowing himself his childhood dream of being a fireman, albeit for a brief moment.

Barret looked up when he heard Cloud's 'wheee' from the corner, before offering a concerned gaze. The blonde seemed drunk already.

"Hey Cloud," Rolly gestured him over, "Do you think I'm a little too uptight?"

"Nah," The blonde shrugged, brain struggling to comprehend what Rolly was talking about.

"Well, that's ok. Don't worry about me. I don't look like it, but I'm a coward at heart," Rolly smiled softly, and Cloud let out a small snort.

"Keep telling yourself that, Mr. Polly," Cloud nodded reassuringly, patting the guy on the back. Cloud raised a concerned gaze then, as Barret asked about whether or not they'd fought any SOLDIERs, whilst thin mercenary appeared to be partially assaulting him from behind. Cloud engaged in some kind of meaningless conversation with Barret then, about the values and differences of working for a terrorist organization, in comparison to working for AVALANCHE.

Cloud figured that since thin mercenary guy had been getting so friendly with Barret, he'd take a chance with leaning to whisper in the guy's ear.

"I'm going upstairs," Cloud smiled slightly lopsidedly, from the effects of alcohol. When Barret offered a mortified expression in return, Cloud hastily added on that it was of course, to talk about his money. The blonde headed for the pinball machine then, before Tifa came running in, in all her bouncing glory.

"Wait, Cloud!" She cried, as Barret shook a metal fist in apparent anger.

"Tifa! Let him go! Looks like he still misses the Shinra!" Barret sneered.

…_He's just jealous…_

"Shut up! I don't care about either Shinra or SOLDIER! But don't get me wrong! I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet for that matter!" Cloud snapped, throwing an arm out for dramatic effect. The blonde engaged in mindless chatter for the sake of it, before once again heading to leave. Tifa stopped him before he made it to the door, and the blonde cringed slightly as her voice ground through his ears. Tifa asked him to stay and he shrugged, feeling a little irate at the fact she was killing his buzz.

"The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying. Someone has to do something," Tifa pleaded.

"So let Barret and his buddies do something about it. It's got nothin' to do with me."

"So! You're really leaving!? You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood

friend!?" Tifa shrieked, and something within Cloud's mind clicked over briefly.

"What…? I'm pretty sure when we were kids you blatantly ignor-"

"We're childhood friends, Cloud," Tifa said firmly, smile never faltering.

"But we weren't real-"

"We are _childhood friends, _Cloud," The brunette insisted.

"_Just roll with it. Make the plotline move."_

"Sorry?" Cloud suggested.

"You forgot the promise too," The brunette remarked, abruptly upset.

"Promise?"

"So you _did _forget," Tifa claimed incredulously, and the blonde inwardly groaned. He couldn't win with this chick.

Tifa then prompted Cloud into a flashback, talking of when they were childhood 'friends' and how often the pair had spoken together, being best friends and all. Cloud could vaguely remember a wall, and that was about it, but he rolled along with her in the chance that he might get some leniency in her hounding. Cloud couldn't have been happier when Barret re-emerged, effectively cutting off the confusing conflictions of memories in the blonde's mind, and thankfully offering one of Cloud's favorite things: Money. Barret tossed over fifteen hundred gil, and Cloud had a minor seizure.

"This is my pay? Don't make me laugh," The blonde shrugged, as Barret bit back another aneurism.

Tifa let out a small sigh, but Cloud gave a shrug.

"You got the next one lined up? I'll do it for three thousand," Cloud shrugged, as Barret damn near spewed steam from his ears.

"It's okay, it's okay," Tifa whispered, "We're really hurting for help, right?"

"Ugh… Damnit Tifa, I needed that shit for the saucer. The races are on tonight," Barret whispered back, "Twenty to one odds on a sure winner!"

Barret gave a scowl in the blonde's direction.

"Alright ya whiney little bitch, two thousand!" Barret snapped, and Tifa gave a small smile to Cloud.

"Thanks Cloud," She smiled warmly, and the blonde gave a casual nod. With any luck, he'd be able to do just as little work this time, and still get paid for it. Life was sweet.

--

**A/N: **

**QUESTION TIME NUMBER ONE: **is unfortunately pending now. We'll see how we go.

**HunterBelmont: **Well, hope you all enjoyed this chapter as much as we did writing it. Now, umm, I have the privilege of introducing the guest for this author's notes, as my partner is currently too excited for words.

**Spopococ: ***hyperventilates*

**HunterBelmont: **Allow me to introduce The One Winged Angel himself, General Sephiroth.

**Sephiroth:** Thank you, it's about time….is she alright? *points to spopococ*

**HunterBelmont:** Yeah she's fine. Just overwhelmed a bit.

**Spopococ:** oh God, oh God, oh God…

**HunterBelmont:** …Maybe a lot.

**Sephiroth:** I see…is the drooling normal?

**Spopococ: **… ohmygodiloveyouuuu… *squeal*

**Sephiroth:** Is that… Is she okay?

**HunterBelmont: **Yes it's fine. So, that's all the time we have. Goodbye, and thanks for reading!

**Spopococ:** *faint*


	3. The Fresh Prince of Midgar

Long ass author's notes ahead!

**HunterBelmont**: Welcome to chapter 3 *victory music plays* Ah, such excitement already building in your eyes as you read this. We promise that in this chapter there will be more Tifa bashing and 10% more Cloud. Now we are working on getting a viable format for question time so be patient and we will work out all the kinks and stuff.....yes stuff. Anyway thanks to all the reviews for the last chapter, we appreciate it a lot and think you're all fantastic for pretending we are funny.

**Spopococ:** Seriously. It's been awhile since we've had an ego boost. Keep stroking our egos, and remember, not too much or it gets kinky. –Wiggles eyebrows-

**HunterBelmont: **Yeah....anyway read on!

**Warnings:** **If you're a firm believer in the sanctity of Final Fantasy VII **and all of its affiliates, turn away now, because **we're about to destroy it**. AGAIN....AGAIN. **OOC** to the point of ridicule. (No, we don't want your ridicule, that's what the warning's for.) **Implied Yaoi, implied Yuri, implied everything 'different' about 'relationships'.** **Coarse Language**, simply because spopococ remains a filthy potty mouth (Hunter also swears a lot now. Yay, spoppy's a bad influence). **Progressive stupidity regarding Cloud, and a large dose of Tifa bashing this chapter with some Barret thrown in.**

_Chapter 3: Cloud Strife in 'The Fresh Soldier of Mid-gar':_

_The gang storm reactor 5 hoping to blow it up and further along the plot! Cloud freaks out in more ways than one, Barret keeps swearing and Tifa is still being useless! So much excitement!_

--

Cloud stepped onto the pinball elevator, still yawning from his restless night. He'd been plagued by strange dreams of some guy with black spiky hair doing everything that Cloud had so obviously achieved. He felt a nagging sensation that he had too much to drink the previous night, or perhaps it was the killer headache pounding through his skull that gave him the indication.

_I can handle more than a pot. Tifa must have spiked my drink._

The machine pulled to a stop as the blonde saw the burly grumpy gun-man and the big breasted wench waiting for him. He yawned again, before Barret greeted him with a title that shouldn't be repeated in front of minors or just about anyone with good taste in the slightest.

"Good morning Cloud! Did you sleep well?" The cleavage asked him.

"Rolly had beans last night..." Cloud drearily replied, knowing now that the mako burning his nostrils was nothing compared to the fat terrorist's biological bombs.

_My God, I still can't taste properly._

Tifa gave an odd look, before asserting that she was joining them on the mission today and that it would be a great succuss simply because she was. Barret hit the end of the bar as loud as he could, successfully managing to gain everyone's attention.

"Our target's the Section 5 reactor. Head for the train station first an' I'll fill y'all in then."

Cloud went to move as Barret blocked his exit, "Yo soldier boy can ya explain materia to us while yo here?"

Cloud raised an eyebrow.

_...No, I better just hold onto it, in case Barret mysteriously loses it all on another bad poker hand..._

The blonde smirked. Barret thought nobody knew about his secret, but nothing got by the cunning mind of Cloud Strife, Ex-Soldier and overall great looking guy. He was as highly trained as they came, and with a mind as sharp as any blade. He stepped backwards, giving a casual smile in the direction of Barret and Tifa, before losing his footing on a few broken shards of glass, seemingly from a shattered beer mug. The blonde didn't manage to gather his balance in time, before he tripped down the stairs, landing on his head with a loud crash.

"_Sharp as a blade, huh?"_

"Shut up!" Cloud snapped haughtily at the voice, much to the confusion of the other two.

"Cloud......I got a message from the weapon shop man from upstairs, he has something he wants to give you, don't forget!" Tifa nodded, before moving off towards the station with Barret; Leaving a toddler to run the bar. Cloud gave a concerned frown, before nodding politely at Marlene and heading out.

Cloud tried conversing with the people of sector seven, but all they seemed to care about was some guy called Johnny who had just recently left the big smoke, looking for some kind of adventure.

_...Yeah, sure... There's what, five continents on the entire planet and about twelve cities. Adventure's gonna be grand there, Johnny... _

Cloud headed for where Tifa had said some old geezer wanted to chat him up, tactfully avoiding the brat at the bottom of the building demanding gil in exchange for a bed.

"I have a place to sleep just around the corner, kid," Cloud shrugged, "I don't need your lumpy mattress."

The kid shook a fist, offering a tough guy attitude, which Cloud disregard with a subtle push of the kid's head, before heading up the stairs. He was pleasantly surprised to find a group of people willing to hear his advice on how to absorb a little of his sheer awesomeness, and he casually strolled around the room, offering advice on battle techniques, the usage of limits, materia, and car insurance. The kids were a little difficult to deal with however, and no matter how elaborately Cloud worded himself, using fancy hand gestures to emphasize the point, the kids just weren't grasping it.

"Listen kid, don't piss me off!" The blonde snapped, as the entire room fell silent for a brief moment.

"Uh, I mean..." Cloud paused, forcing a casual shrug and accompanying smile, "That's all right. Just give it a try. Little by little, you'll get used to it."

He gave a confident nod, meant to be reassuring, and managed to completely miss the death glares the children gave in return. Cloud gave a small sigh as he approached a bunch of guys flexing, before he casually squatted, managing to ripple every muscle he managed to have exposed.

"Hey SOLDIER! Tell us about battles! We'll even pay you!" A bulky guy remarked, as Cloud's ears perked up at the suggestion of money. A rather attractive woman then walked in, drawing Cloud's attention for a moment.

_...Play cool..._

"I'm not hard up enough to take money from guys like you. But I'll rap with you for a while," Cloud shrugged. The guys around him gave a satisfied nod as Cloud started his own elevator music loop through his mind.

_...Perfect beat..._

"In West Nibelheim, I was born and raised, outside Tifa's window I spent most of my days," Cloud bopped slightly, as his onlookers gave a concerned raise of his brows.

"The fuck you talking about?" One of the guys asked, and Cloud gave a casual shrug.

"Seemed fitting at the time," The blonde posed casually, "But let me tell you about materia..."

_...Crisis Averted..._

After prattling on for as long as his ego would allow, Cloud decided to head for the train station, pleased to see Barret twitching slightly in impatience as he waited on the platform. The blonde walked past a couple snogging, too involved in themselves than him.

_Oh yeah, she's totally thinking of me._

The rag-tag crew moved onto the train as Cloud joined them, Barret barking the order to split up as not to draw attention. Cloud wondered how they could possibly _not_ draw attention; a large guy who could bench press a truck with a gun-hand, a butch, a fat guy, an anorexic Cloud wannabe, and a large breasted hussy.

_Not to mention a world famous Ex Soldier with rugged good looks._

"_Focus, Cloud."_

The Shinra executive from the train last night again moved away from Barret, saying something under his breath before Barret burst into a string of curses and cries of racism. Cloud was amused by the show, until Tifa broke it up and lead Barret to the back of the car where Cloud was.

"Sooo...what are we going to do now?" The blonde asked, trying to act as cool as possible.

Barret's vein seemed to be bursting again, as he flailed slightly.

"Shit! The hell you so calm about? You bustin' up my rhythm....," Barret cried, before his voice was drained out by the elevator music playing in Cloud's mind.

The train began to move, sending a bag down upon Cloud's spiky blond head, not for the first time, making him miss whatever Tifa was saying.

"So whabts our next target?" Cloud managed to slur casually to Barret, whilst rubbing his forehead.

"Hah! Listen to Mr. Serious-about-his-work! Awright.... I'll tell ya! Jessie's probably already told you, but there's a security check point at the top plate, it's an ID scan system checkin' all the trains."

Barret went on for another five minutes about how much Shinra was abusing the planet before Tifa added that Shinra was proud of their trains.

_It is impressive....wonder how much a model set would cost? Never had one as a kid, deprived childhood and all..._

"We can't use fake ID's anymore...." Barret bemoaned, before the static public service announcement said something about a good moaning and then gave the time before arrival at the next platform.

Barret and Tifa both said something about jumping off a train before Barret sat down abruptly.

_Was I supposed to be listening to that?_

Tifa waved for Cloud to join her over at the monitor then went on a rant about how Cloud had probably seen the map before, but that he should move closer to her anyway. Luckily, an alarm went off, effectively saving him from the torture of the rail system once again.

"That's odd the security check was supposed to be further down," Tifa remarked casually.

The security alarm screamed a warning, before adding a rather high pitched alarm, causing panic amongst the terrorists and the other passengers.

Butch busted into the carriage explaining that they had to get to the next one, and that she would explain later. Barret spent his state of panic pointing the blame, furiously repeating that someone had made a major screw up.

_He never blames himself.....always someone else's fault._

The crew ran through the cars, only stopping on occasion to hear the mindless mumbo jumbo from random, seemingly unimportant citizens.

Barret stopped attempting to rip the side door of the train clear off, and declared that they were going to dive out of the train to avoid the security.

"Scary...huh?" Tifa noted, progressively feeling that she should have stayed at the bar instead of risking her life.

"Too late to be saying that now," Cloud paused, leering at her a little, "Why'd you come anyway?"

"Because...." was all she got out, before Barret interrupted, reminding them that they were in a life or death situation and that it was nearly time to jump.

"Hey Cloud, how do I look? Do I look good in a Shinra uniform?"

Cloud blinked a bit realising it was Butch dressed up as a Shinra soldier.

_Well this proves it._

"You look great, just like a man!" Cloud proclaimed.

"Yay then......hey wait a minute!"

Cloud didn't bother to listen to what else she had to say, before leaping from the train, Barret screaming at him not to get hurt.

Cloud landed perfectly, giving himself a silent 10 for his landing, and for once not getting hurt at all, before Tifa and Barret landed next to him.

_Gold medal for me, Silver for Barret and bronze for boobs._

"Good. So far everything's going to plan!" Barret said cheerfully, seemingly forgetting the fact that they were almost caught by security, and that he was blaming everyone for screwing up not ten minutes ago.

They walked down, coming across a Shinra laser beam defence grid, stopping them dead in their tracks for now.

"Looks like we are stuck...." Tifa moaned a bit, edging closer to the blonde.

Cloud looked around, before noticing a vent in the wall.

"We can go through that vent," he leaned closer, "Doesn't look like anything to get stuck on in it."

_Wow that sure was convenient_

"_It's a dues ex machine."_

_Huh?_

"_Don't argue with me…"_

Cloud decided it might be time to ignore the voice in his head since it was obviously making up words, and progressively being mean towards him.

They exited the vent, running into Barret's three stooges of the terrorist game, who each rambled on about something unimportant to Cloud. Not one of them even complimented him before they left, although Butch seemed upset for some unknown reason; something about heart and not wanting to disappoint the blonde.

_Oh yeah, no girl can resist the Strife._

"_......Idiot."_

As Cloud entered the reactor room, the world around him suddenly went red and he was transported into an entirely different Mako reactor. His eyes moved straight to the long, thin sword on the ground, dripping a red substance which leads to a man lying, seemingly dead. Next to him, a young Tifa kneels, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Papa......Sephiroth?!" her voice getting louder, "Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he?"

She let out a high pitched scream, yelling something about hating everyone, before running off into the next room.

Cloud blinked as present day Barret leaned closer to him, making the blonde jump back, shaking violently at the thought of what may very well have happened had he not woken up.

Cloud quickly reassured Tifa he was okay, keeping an eye on Barret, not wanting him out of his sight.

_Or behind me at anytime! __**Knew**__ he was comin' onto me..._

Cloud planted the bomb, again noting how it was him doing all the work whilst everyone else took it easy, before running out into a room with a console. It didn't seem terribly too flashy, having little more than three bright red buttons on it.

"Jessie said we had to push the buttons all at once," Tifa explained. Cloud nodded in acceptance of the challenge, realising that the task ahead would be a heck of a lot harder than Tifa made it sound. Barret counted down, waiting with raised arms, as Tifa stood beside him. Cloud narrowed his eyes in concentration.

"3...2...1... Go!" Barret nodded, Tifa dropping her hands at the same time as Barret. Cloud missed the mark by about half a second. Barret eyed off the blonde with annoyance, as Cloud offered a nonchalant shrug.

"Sorry," he offered, before Barret and Tifa raised their arms again.

"Okay, so 3... 2.... Damn it Cloud!" The gun man snapped, Cloud dropping his fist in the hope of catching it on time. Tifa offered Barret a chastising glare, before the gun man shrugged, his patience wearing thin.

"It ain't so hard to push a button, Spikey," Barret shrugged, as Cloud felt sweat gathering on his brow.

_IN THEORY, it isn't..._

"One more time. Jes' push it when it looks like we're about to," Barret explained, as the three raised their hands again.

"3...2...1... go!" Barret nodded, Cloud feeling his chest swell with pride at his successful button push, the door clicking open with an automated tone.

Barret then charged ahead, leading the group straight into a wall of Shinra soldiers.

_Great job Barret; brilliant leadership_

"....a trap?" The blonde offered as an explanation, only to cop a death glare from Barret.

Echoing footsteps grew louder, as inexplicably, the elevator music in Cloud's mind was replaced with a much more sinister sounding tune.

_Am I the only one who noticed the music change?  
_"President Shinra?!" Barret exclaimed.

A tubby man dressed in one of the finest suits in Midgar smirked as he took the stage.

"Hmm... So you all must be that... ...what was it?"

Barret swore, seemingly less than impressed with the arrival of the world's second most important figure.

_...No one out-stages me..._

"It's AVALANCE and don't you forget it you mothe...." Barret began, before Cloud abruptly managed to cut him off.

"Long time no see, President," Cloud struck a little pose, apparently trying to impress his old boss.

"...Long time no see? Oh... you...You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes...Tell me, traitor... what was your name?" The President rested on his cane a bit, giving Cloud an odd look.

"Cloud Strife!" The blonde replied, striking another pose, seemingly outraged that someone dare not know who he was.

"Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each person's name, unless you become another Sephiroth. Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant..." The President flashed back to Sephiroth standing in his office. The General at the time was clad in that very expensive leather outfit, that undoubtedly made him look...

"Mmm..." Shinra trailed off, starry eyed as Cloud gave him an odd look, before stepping back slightly at the president's odd behaviour.

_He has that weird drool thing going on. You know the one that people get when I'm mentioned._

Barret interrupted Cloud's musings by yelling about how the reactor was going to explode very soon, and how Shinra Inc. would be made to look like fools again. This little outburst seemed to do little more than cause Barret to be called vermin by the tubby president, and sending the man into a string of curses that would send even a sailor's blood cold. Cloud blinked slightly in his startled surprise. He thought he'd heard it all in his SOLDIER days, but apparently, that wasn't the case.

_I've never heard THAT word before._

"You bore me...I'm a very busy man now if you will excuse me...I have a dinner I must attend." The president interrupted Barret, which was probably for the best.

_When was the last time I ate? Maybe he will let me join him if I give him Tifa..._

"But don't worry I've made arrangements for a plaything for you!" Shinra laughed, the action making him jiggle a bit, much to Cloud's amusement.

It was at that point that a large menacing looking robot buzzed in, getting ready to attack.

"Meet 'Airbuster,' a techno-soldier. Our Weapon Development Department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments," The President laughed coldly, a smirk toying along Cloud's lips as his thoughts were drawn to jelly. The blonde's face then dropped as a thought hit him.

_Giant....robot.....?_

Cloud ran towards the helicopter, seeking to escape the killer robot before it tore him limb from limb. He managed to almost reach it, flailing his arms as he called after the president, only for the helicopter to take off with said president instead.

Cloud heard his two companions scream, and turned around to see that once again, he was by himself.

_This is a conspiracy, I swear to Gaia. ALWAYS Cloud on his own._

"This is from SOLDIER?" Tifa asked, at a rather inopportune moment, in Cloud's opinion.

"No way....." Cloud replied, feeling even further isolated from Barret and Tifa's obvious party... party.

"I don't care what it is! I'm gonna bust him up!" Barret interjected, his patience failing once again at the fact he hadn't managed to kill the president when the chance arose.

_Well at least it's focused on the other two instead of me!_

Cloud gave a mental high five to himself, pleased that his fear of large, metallic death machines was being subdued by his lack of attention. For once. It was a fierce battle, Cloud and Barret dealing the damage, and quite content to allow Tifa to take it, before the battle ended with a final shot from Cloud. The machine began to violently shake, sending the blonde into a panicky overdrive, before it exploded, taking out most of the walkway.

"Well, looks like we sure handled that!" Tifa exclaimed triumphantly, hands on hips, before noticing that Cloud was dangling perilously from the other side of the walk way.

"HEY! I'M NOT OK!" Cloud shouted, successfully gaining the attention of his so called 'companions'.

"Cloud! Please don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!" Tifa cried out, much to Cloud's dismay.

_Why her...? And I mean, she was quite happy not even noticing me about to __**die**__ here only a second ago..._

"Hey you gonna be awright?" Barret asked. Cloud resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the question, wondering why he had chosen them as his friends.

_Probably because I always wanted to be the smart one for once?_

Cloud nodded, just about ready to point this out to the gunman, but the sudden bomb explosion sent Cloud falling from the upper plate to the slums below.

_Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! Somebody save me!_

"_Oh so __**now**__ you want my help?"_

Cloud let out a small smile in spite of himself. Never before had he been so willing to question his sanity.

_Ooo, voice, you're back!_

"_Unfortunately..."_

_What's that supposed to mean?_

"_It means I'm stuck with you...Oh and you haven't eaten in 8 hours"_

_I've been falling for a while now haven't I?_

Cloud offered a small frown, watching as a sparrow hurtled past him in the opposite direction.

"_About 10 minutes, give or take"_

_...Who are you?_

"_...Never mind about that..."_

_Sooo, you going to give me any constructive advice? Like, is this conversation going anywhere?_

"_No, not really. Oh... and watch out for the pillar"_

_What pill...?_

Cloud's head collided into the stone pillar he was warned about only moments ago, before everything started fading to black.

--

**A/N: **

**Spopococ: **Hope you enjoyed it, people. It was pretty much 98 percent HunterBelmont this chapter. I just beta'd and did the bits that he was too laz- ... uh... I did the parts he was 'having difficulty with'. In all fairness though, we were both in crappy moods when we wrote this, so were both equally lazy! –grins- Remember to review, and hey, tell your friends if you like this story, yus?

**HunterBelmont: **Yeah, so any complaints about the jokes are directly to me. Anyway hope you enjoy and see you again in question time.....when we get it running and of course in the next chapter! Wall market is coming up very soon; you don't want to miss it!

**Spopococ:** I'm SO excited, I could just poop _rainbows_!

**HunterBelmont:** … Right… See you next chapter!


	4. I never promised you a rose garden

**Spopococ: **Okay kiddies. Sorry we're a little late on this one, but Hunter and I came down with a major case of CBF-itis. I'm sure many of you know the feeling. So ya, we're back at my house today, pigging out on stuff that just _can't_ be healthy. All the better for writing, of course.

**HunterBelmont:** Thank you all for your kind, kind lie…I mean comments regarding the last chapter it really did a lot for my fragile ego which took quiet a beating in an undisclosed incident involving many hurtful things that have nothing to do with the parody at all.

**Spopococ: **Ya, we'll probably not go there. Stupid girls, eh? Hahaha.

**HunterBelmont: **Yeah I wanted to be discreet about it.

**Spopococ: **My bad. X3 ANYWAY, ya, spoppy has a shit family too, so we've both been down and gloomy and we love yooooou. So thanks for the ego stroking. I love me a good ego stroke. e.e Hehe.

**HunterBelmont: **Short version: ladies I'm available and I don't do children's parties! Anyway moving right along hope you enjoy the introduction of dead chic…I mean Aerith.

**Spopococ:** …I can feel the flames coming already. Anyway, onwards!

**Warnings: **Eh, too lazy. If you don't know what to expect by now, you're in trouble. Plenty of Cloud bashing. Life's not fun without it. Also: HOLY LONG CHAPTER, BATMAN!

_Chapter 4- I never promised you a rose garden: the introduction of the __**real**__ Aerith Gainsborough_

_We meet Aerith, the town drunk turned flower girl, who immediately turns damsel in distress as Reno the show pony, Cloud's arch-nemesis in bragging rights, tries to kidnap the girl with little success. Then, whilst Cloud relives his childhood in the park, Tifa reveals herself as the hussy that she is. _

--

…_You all right?_

…_Can you hear me?_

"…Yeah…" Cloud managed to get out, his head swimming with a blinding pain which blurred the world around him.

_Back then… you could get by with skinned knees…._

".....What do you mean by 'that time'? .....What about now?"

_Don't worry about me. You just worry about yourself now._

"…I'll give it a try…"

_Oh, he moved… I just lost five gil._

_Well how about that, I won…_

_Take it slow now, little by little._

Cloud blinked as the world began to come into focus; the last thing he remembered was something about a watch before blinding pain in the head followed by a black abyss from which escape seemed unlikely.

_Sort of like Tifa._

The blurs began to take form as a young familiar looking woman leaned over him, "You okay?" The voice seemed angelic compared to the last two girls he had encountered.

"This is a church in the sector 5 slums…you suddenly fell on top of me! It gave me quiet a fright," The woman continued.

"…I came crashing down?" Cloud replied as the memory of plummeting to the ground flooded back to him.

_I survived! Take that voice!_

"…_.I wouldn't be lucky enough."_

"The roof and flower bed must have broken your fall, you're lucky," The woman continued before Cloud realised he had met her before somewhere. Cloud made an offhanded remark upon realising that the odd smell surrounding him was thankfully not the result of him soiling himself on the fall down, but rather, a patch of flowers. He mumbled a half-hearted apology; sincerely not bothered by the squashed remnants of what he was sure had been a somewhat pretty little display. A part of him argued to himself that the flowers should have known better.

"That's all right. The flowers here are quite resilient because this is a sacred place," The woman smiled softly; "They say you can't grow grass and flowers in Midgar."

Cloud looked around at the flowers at his feet, trampled beyond repair, and wondered if she was aware that resilience seemed to do very little when a roof and a bulked up, extremely good looking, heroic ex-SOLDIER came toppling down on top of them.

"But for some reason, the flowers have no trouble blooming here. I love it here," The woman sighed softly, eyes full of adoration for the flowers surrounding them. Cloud, never one to be outshined, gave a few more subtle stomps to the remaining flowers, as the woman began tending her flowers.

".....So, we meet again. Don't you remember me?" The woman asked, as those nagging little voices in Cloud's subconscious made their presence known.

"Yeah, I remember you," Cloud nodded.

"_She was the slum drunk."_

"You were the slum drunk," The blonde grinned triumphantly.

"_Heh…"_

"That's really rude!" The woman huffed indignantly, as Cloud looked on in puzzled confusion, "But I'll forgive you because you bought flowers from me."

…_She bi-polar or something?_

After a few brief moments, the woman started talking some kind of nonsense about materia and basically admitted to being about as good with her own materia as she was with the upkeep of her flowers.

"Say I feel like talking. Do you feel up to it? After all, here we are meeting again right?" The woman interrupted Cloud's train of thought about how devilishly good looking he was at the moment.

"I…don't mind?" Cloud wondered why everyone felt like talking about trivial things, and not about how fantastic he was or how he looked.

_She feels like talking? What, does she feel like breathing as well?_

"Wait here, I've got to check my flowers. I'll be just a minute," She walked away, before Cloud could give a proper answer.

"Just a little longer. Oh, now that you mention it.....We don't know each other's names, do we? My name is...." She paused as if waiting for some mystical force to tell her what her name was, her head tilting in apparent confusion, before a smile graced her features.

"Aerith, the flower girl. Nice to meet you."

Cloud paused in confusion of his own, before striking a truly spectacular pose in his opinion, "My name is Cloud Strife and I do a little bit of everything,"

_Oh yeah. Lookin' good._

"Oh like a jack of all trades?" Aerith responded, not seeming to notice Cloud's pose of awesomeness.

"Ye…Yeah I do whatever's needed" Cloud winked at her as he finished speaking, Aerith simply broke into a giggle, utterly confusing the mercenary, "What's so funny? What are you laughing at?!"

Cloud regressed to his primary school days.

_Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words are like a knife through my very __**being**__._

"_Such a Nancy boy…"_

"Sorry…I just…" She stopped, her eyes widening as she noticed a figure standing at the church door.

The figure smirked before running his hand through his red hair and adjusting his jacket slightly, striking a somewhat confident pose in the process.

_Wh…who is that? AND WHY IS HE STEALING MY MOVES?!_

"Sorry bad timing on my part," Aerith said completely out of context to the current situation, Cloud took a step towards the move stealing, scene usurper, before Aerith yelled at him, "Cloud, don't let it get to you."

Cloud stared at his competition, wondering what type of hair gel the man used and how exactly he got his teeth so… _shiny_.

_Pfft… anyone can pull off a suit; it takes __**talent**__ to pull off an outfit like mine!_

Aerith, who had moved behind Cloud without him actually noticing, spoke up again.

"Say Cloud, have you ever been a bodyguard? You DO do everything right?"

Cloud smirked before running his hands through his hair, smoothing it, and struck the best pose he could.

"Yeah that's right."

_Aaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddddd IIIII will alwa……_

"_Don't you dare finish that sentence I swear to Gaia."_

"Then, get me out of here and take me home!" Aerith proclaimed, wanting to escape as soon as possible.

"Ok I'll do it…but it'll cost you," Cloud was happy with earning a bit of extra money on the side and if he got to hurt a scene stealer, then it was all the better.

""Well then, let's see......How about if I go out with you once?" Aerith said as Cloud gave a small nod trying to hide his joy and excitement.

_Yes a date! And it's not with Tifa! A girl is actually notic...I mean, yeah… I knew no girl could resist the Strife._

"…_Nice cover up…"_

Cloud turned his attention fully to the redhead scene stealer then, not waiting to deal with the evil voice's lies anymore.

"I don't know who you are, but.... You don't know me.....?......I know you," Cloud's world went white for a few seconds, "Oh yeah I know you….that uniform..."

Cloud slyly gave his competition a once over, as several Shinra guards entered and guffawed like the pack of morons they most likely were.

"…Hey, sis, this one's a little weird," the redhead remarked somewhat cockily, as the Shinra goons cackled obediently. Once again, Cloud's insecure sub-conscious died a little inside, and he lashed out, stepping forward with the most dramatic arm fling he could muster.

"Shut up, you Shinra spy!" The blonde cried, as the redhead eyed him off with something akin to confused amusement.

"Hey Reno, want him taken out?" One of the goons asked, as the redhead flicked his hair a little, eyeing Cloud off in much the same manner that the blonde had done to him.

"I haven't decided yet," Reno replied, as Cloud felt a cold shiver run down his spine.

…_Good Gaia… This guy might be cooler than me…_

"Don't fight here, you'll ruin the flowers!" Aerith whined, clearly not appreciating the dire situation the blonde was now facing. Just as the blonde was about to challenge his Turk counterpart to a cool duel, Aerith demanded that Cloud follow her to the exit, and the blonde reluctantly agreed.

Reno brushed his hair back again, frustrated at the failures of his new hair gel, and watched his new nemesis disappear through the back entry of the church. Like Cloud, he too had an inkling suspicion that his counterpart may just rival him in the cool factor.

"They were… mako eyes," Reno murmured out loud. The Turk had always been somewhat jealous of mako eyes, the pretty little glow they often admitted outshining his own eyes, and therefore a clear threat.

"Yeah, alright. Back to work, back to work," the redhead ordered, strutting his way across the flower bed as if it were a unique kind of cat walk. He paused in his musings, however, aware that if word got back to his boss that he'd trampled the flowers, there would be a prompt ass kicking involved on the Commander's behalf.

"Oh!" The redhead called, trotting back to strike a pose and glare at his Shinra goons, "And don't step on the flowers…"

At that, the Shinra goons all muttered what they presumed were witty statements, as Reno followed after Cloud, keen to see if his concerns about the growing cool factor were correct.

Cloud followed Aerith up three floors, wondering if he needed any more exercise, being the fit guy he was and all. A huge Shinra missile was in the middle of the floor plan, conveniently having destroyed most of the floor and the stairs, leaving gaps in them.

_Holy shit, is that a missile?_

"_I believe it was, genius"_

Reno eyed off the missile, wondering who had been stupid enough to fire one in a church, yet had the inkling it may very well be the Shinra logo staring him in the eye.

"Talk about bad publicity if this gets out," Reno mused before pointing out where the blonde and the girl were to his less than bright troops.

Aerith pointed at the redhead, "Cloud…that one!"

It made absolutely no sense to Cloud, who none the less pressed on anyway.

_Was she talking about the redheaded guy?_

"_Just nod and agree…"_

"I know…looks like they aren't going to let us go," Cloud's mind quickly jumped to the idea of selling Aerith to the Turk for a good wad of cash, but then remembered the promised date and reluctantly decided against it.

"What should we do?" Aerith asked in typical damsel in distress tone.

"Well, we can't let them catch us, can we? Then, there's only one thing left," Cloud said as he was in mid jump over the giant hole that used to be floor. He landed with what was almost certainly a ten, before gesturing for the flower girl to follow him; only to get her shaking her head in defiance.

_What the hell? Just jump you stupid wench._

"Alright, I will hold them off," Cloud struck a pose, knowing that the whining flower girl wouldn't jump, a serious point in the 'sell her to the Turks' category.

"Right, make sure they don't get through!" She commanded, much to Cloud's dislike. More and more often, the blonde was finding himself commanded around by females, and he was beginning to fear the idea of being whipped.

Reno, never one to be shown up, struck a dramatic pose of his own, shouting at his men, "The Ancient is getting away! Attack! Attack! Attack!"

Cloud frowned at the remark, clear insult ringing through his thoughts.

_Who's he calling Ancient? He's gotta be at __**least**__ double my age!_

To the amazement of Reno, one of the grunts then managed to actually make the flower girl fall from the walkway, and the Turk watched with mild amusement as she flailed her way to the ground.

"Aerith!" Cloud almost screamed, the prospect of his date growing slimmer and slimmer as the flower girl fell. Reno mumbled something about not putting up a fight, as the Shinra troopers surrounded Aerith. Cloud ran around somewhat like a headless chocobo, looking for a way to save Aerith.

_Must save my woman from the ruthless Turks!_

"_One date doesn't make her your woman…and you'd have to actually __**go**__ on that date first."_

Cloud ignored the voice again, noticing four barrels contently sitting on beams that were right over the offending troops.

_How convenient! Now to squish those Shinra goons and make off with my damsel._

Cloud ran, hitting the closest barrel he could, which spiraled through the air and landed with a thud on top of Aerith. Then, upon trying the next three times, Cloud failed just as horrible, but hoped that the repeated blows to the brunette's head maybe erased the last 5 minutes. If so, he may have a chance at lying his way out of it.

"Wh…what happened?" Aerith mumbled, coming out of her concussed state.

"I saved you by dropping the barrels on the Shinra goons!" Cloud proclaimed, proudly hoping he sold the lie convincingly as Aerith miraculously managed to jump that gap she so adamantly claimed was impossible for her to jump previously.

"…Thanks Cloud?" Aerith said, doubting that it was what actually happened, but she didn't want to damage the blonde's obviously small ego. The two then jumped out of a hole onto the roof of the church, safe from the Turk's line of sight, much to Reno's disappointment.

--

Cloud fell back on to the roof of the church, his arms sprawled outwards with the exertion of having to travel more than he'd deemed necessary. He was a hero damn it, he needed his beauty rest. Aerith was peering down the hole in the roof of her church, her eyes alight with apparent amusement, even as Cloud's head span with the terror of having to confront the closest living rival to himself. Frankly, he believed that the flower girl realised just what kind of a peril they'd just faced.

"Ha, ha..... They're looking for me again," Aerith remarked flatly, as the blonde sat upright and glared at her suspiciously.

"You mean it's not the first time they've been after you?" He asked, and she shook her head, answering no.

_She __**knew**__ there was someone like Reno in existence and she didn't __**tell**__ me?! This relationship is based on lies and deception!_

"…_Relationship?"_

"They're the Turks," Cloud stated factually, as Aerith gave him an expression clearly stating something along the lines of 'no shit'.

"The Turks are an organization in Shinra. They scout for possible candidates for SOLDIER," Cloud continued, pleased to see Aerith's interest rise slightly. He enjoyed being impressive.

"This violently? I thought they were kidnapping someone…" Aerith frowned, as Cloud shrugged casually.

"They're also involved in a lot of dirty stuff on the side. Spying, murder... you know," Cloud gave a sidelong gaze at the brunette, before continuing "You know they really must have a fabulous beautician or something. They're all horribly good looking…"

"They look like it," Aerith nodded in agreement, much to Cloud's outrage. They needed a topic change and fast, so he quickly fired off questions about why they'd be following the church-goer, and bit back a smug snort of amusement as Aerith tried to imply she might be SOLDIER material.

_I like 'em crazy._

"…"

Cloud watched with amusement then, as the flower lady followed him across rooftops, her skirt snagging and forcing her to fall flat on her face on one occasion. Cloud, too absorbed in his near hysterical bout of laughter, merely waited for the lady to catch up.

"Funny, I thought you were cut out to be in SOLDIER," Cloud said sarcastically. Aerith, completely missing his tone, laughed flirtingly and batted her eyelids, Cloud concerned that he may very well be paired up with another one of those nervous tick girls.

"Hey Cloud, were you ever in SOLDIER?" Aerith asked, as the blonde automatically struck a pose at the word.

"You're damn right I was!"

"Your eyes, they have a strange glow…"

"It's all man, baby- I mean…That's the sign of those who have been infused with Mako...A mark of SOLDIER. But, how did you know about that?" Cloud asked, glad for the change of topic. That could have been awkward. Much to the blonde's dismay, Aerith was as cryptic with her answer as most women were about… well, life in general. Cloud was seriously considering the possibility of simply marketing himself to a different audience, but found his attention was drawn to Aerith's chest far too often for that to work entirely.

"_Good Gaia, there are so many things wrong with that I don't know where to start."_

_None of your business, voice._

"_Just sayin'…"_

_Quiet, you._

--

Cloud and Aerith jumped down from the rooftop but before Cloud had a chance to leave the crazy flower girl, she pointed out they were near her home and that her mother would be worried about her.

_Taking me home to meet her mother already…take that voice!_

"_You're such a tool,"  
I'm no hammer!_

"_Point proven."_

Aerith lead Cloud to a small but nice little cottage before walking inside, "I'm home mum," Aerith shouted as if to wake the dead from there unholy rest.

A mature woman walked over slowly, her eyes straight to Cloud looking him up and down much to his dismay, it seemed the older woman would like a taste of the Strife as well.

"This is Cloud Strife my bodyguard!" Aerith proclaimed proudly.

_And boyfriend_

"_Will you stop?"_

"Never!" Cloud said out loud to the confused looks of the two women in front of him, before shrugging and saying a meaningless apology at his apparently nonsensical outburst.

"He touched in the head is he?" Elmyra whispered to Aerith before going off on a tangent, "Bodyguard.....? You mean you were followed again!? You all right!? You're not hurt, are you!?"

Aerith shrugged, "I'm fine I had Cloud with me, he protected me from the Turks," Cloud couldn't help but smile finally he was being given credit for his actions, it was about time too he thought offhandedly resisting the urge to strike a pose.

Elmyra nodded before she started to ramble again, "Thank you Cloud," then suddenly she walked upstairs leaving the two lovers at least in Clouds mind alone.

"So what are you going to do now Cloud?" Aerith asked moving closer to Cloud slowly.

""...Is Sector 7 far from here? I want to go to Tifa's bar." Cloud replied totally oblivious to Aerith's intentions.

Aerith frowned a bit, "Is Tifa…a girl?"

"Either that or a guy with a really good plastic surgeon," Cloud had always wondered how much that operation would cost, just in case.

"….A girl….friend?" Aerith was leaning closer waiting for the answer.

"Girlfriend? Hell no I'm a one man, man….I mean a one woman man!" Cloud cursed to himself silently.

Aerith put her hand on his shoulder, "Hee hee hee... You don't have to get THAT upset..." Aerith took another small unnoticed step towards the mercenary.

Cloud shrugged thinking how lucky it was she didn't hear most of what Cloud said, his mind jumped back to how his relationship with her was going.

_Pretty good I'd say, she digs the Strife fo' sho'_

"Let's see Sector 7? I'll show you the way." Aerith interrupted Cloud's fantasy yet again.

"You gotta be kidding me, I was getting to the best part!" Cloud looked at her before changing the subject slightly, "You want to put yourself in danger again?"

"I'm used to it," She replied without even a pause as if she had been asked the question more than once.

"Used to it!?" Cloud shrugged it off, "Well, don't know... getting help from a girl…" Cloud suddenly flashed to how "helpful" Tifa had been.

"A girl!! What do you mean by that!? You expect me to just sit by and listen, after hearing you say something like that!?" Aerith exploded with anger and the blonde not wanting to get his ass handed to him cowered a bit.

Aerith called to her mother who quickly came down the stairs at Aerith's call, the two agreed that Cloud would leave in the morning before Aerith ran up stairs to make Cloud's bed leaving the blonde to deal with Elmyra.

"Your eyes…you're from soldier right?" Elmyra leaned closer a bit trying to get a better look.

"Yeah I was in soldier but I got kicked out for being too good," Cloud replied rather proudly as he was sure that was what had happened. Elmyra kept asking many questions and Cloud zoned out completely.

"_You are kidding me"_

_What?_

"_Being too good? Mostly likely they added an IQ test"_

_Hey my IQ is way above average_

"_It has a twelve in it."_

_What is it then?_

"_Twelve"_

Cloud stormed upstairs unhappy after bidding Elmyra goodnight and unknowingly promising that he would sneak out. Aerith waited at the top of the stairs for him.

"You need to go through Sector 6 to get to Sector 7. Sector 6 is a little dangerous so you'd better get some rest tonight." She commanded, again he was being bossed around but he didn't mind after all Aerith and him were steady now.

Cloud walked to the bedroom door leaning against it, trying to look as good looking as he could before giving her his trademark look, Blue Steel.

"Cloud….is that a buster sword in your pants or are you happy to see me?" She fluttered her eyes trying to look as seductive as she could.

"Pants are a really bad place to store a buster sword…it can lead to very dangerous and serious accidents….Goodnight Aerith," Cloud stepped back a bit before heading back to his room, Aerith was crazier than he thought.

_What is wrong with her?! Cloud junior's life would be at stake_

"…_."_

Cloud laid down quickly falling asleep.

"_My how you have grown…..more like your bloody father and just as useless!" a woman almost screamed._

"_Sorry…" Cloud managed to get out before the next barrage of insults came_

"_I wanted a girl but noooo your stupid father had to get me pregnant with you!"_

_Cloud rolled over covering his head with a pillow._

"_The Lockheart's got a girl and all I got was a worthless lay about just like my bastard of a husband may he rest in peace."_

_A tear gently rolled down Cloud's cheek._

"_Who would have thought the drunken lout would crash and roll into a ditch, knocking out a live wire from the post he'd hit and electrocute himself," the woman sighed. Cloud, who had never heard of his father's death, had his interest piqued at the story, and raised his head up from his pillow fort. _

"_Did the wire hit the car or something?" Cloud asked, his mother looking on in disdain as he shook her head._

"_He got out to take a piss and got fried."_

_Cloud would never ask about the incident again._

Cloud awoke with a start, the thought of the dream still fresh in his mind, "I'm a big boy now…no more tears Cloud be strong, it was only a dream," Cloud sighed before standing up stretching slightly.

_I'm a big boy now!_

"_Debatable."_

Cloud left the house as quietly as he could, promising himself that he would come back for his woman when the time was right, and they would inevitably live happily ever after. He idly strolled through sector five, contently being fed bullshit by the slum residents, as long as they showed some kind of interest in his appearance or oversized sword. For Cloud, appearance and size was everything. The blonde wiggled his eyebrows slightly at his own thoughts, and the woman at the item shop promptly slapped him across the cheeks.

_Slum people are frickin __**rude**__._

After his leisurely stroll, Cloud shuffled over to the gateway connecting sectors five and supposedly sector six, only to find that Aerith had somehow teleported herself there before him. He felt his chest tighten, and was momentarily certain that he was having a seizure, as the brunette mustered a death glare in his direction.

"You're up bright and early," Aerith remarked coolly, as the blonde continued to clutch at his chest.

"What are you, a frickin ghost or something?"

"I might be!" Aerith huffed, as Cloud felt a sudden chill race through his spine at the vivid thought of Aerith being knifed in the near future. Or sworded.

_Is that even a word?_

"_What the hell are you talking about?"_

"How could I ask you to go along when I knew it would be dangerous?" Cloud asked gallantly, as the brunette idly filed her nails, the blonde going off on a seemingly well rehearsed survival speech, and a tale of getting lost on a mission back in his SOLDIER days. Cloud paused, aware Aerith wasn't paying attention.

"Are you done?" She asked, and the blonde sulked slightly.

_Bitch._

"You have to go through the slum in Sector 6 to get to Tifa's 7th Heaven. I'll take you there. Come on!" Aerith chirped, as Cloud twitched slightly, chasing after the brunette, before pausing, his eyes settling on a playground. His heart swelled with an indescribable joy, as his gaze locked onto a swing set.

"The gate to Sector 7's in there," Aerith nodded, turning to face Cloud, before the blonde ran past her and hurtled himself at the swing set.

"Thanks. I guess this is goodbye. You gonna be all right going home?" Cloud asked, clambering into the seat and ensuring that the little chain was across the seat before he started swinging.

_Safety first!_

"Oh no! 'Whatever will I do!?' ...isn't that what you want me to say?" Aerith asked, watching as the blonde tipped himself as far backwards as he could go, kicking his legs erratically in an attempt to get higher. Cloud completely blocked out the statement, determined that if he swung high enough, he'd be able to reach the upper plate with his toes.

_I'm kickin the shit outta that thing._

Cloud narrowed his eyes and furrowed his brow, as Aerith got closer and closer to his swinging feet.

_Mooooove, bitch._

When the brunette simply placed her hands on her hips and glared however, Cloud's childhood once again wilted before his eyes, as he slowed himself to a stop and unclipped the chain.

"Can we take a break?" She asked seriously, as the blonde sulkily followed her to a giant moogle playhouse thing. His mind travelled to his childhood once again.

"_**I**__ have a moogle toy at home," One of the school kids remarked, a smarmy look plastered on his face as he sneered in Cloud's direction._

"_Cool," The blonde shrugged, as another boy approached._

"_And me, I have this awesome toy bike from __**Wutai**__, my father got it specially for __**me**__," He boasted, the others looking on, impressed, as Cloud toyed with the hem of his shirt. Tifa then gave a well-to-do smile to the others and huffed out her recently developing chest._

"_Well! I have this little doll that has its own wardrobe, with lots of dresses and __**everything**__," Tifa grinned, flicking her hair over her shoulders. Cloud's interest perked up as he looked on with starry eyes._

"_Well my mum sometimes gets her own wardrobe and puts her dresses on __**me**__!" Cloud grinned, as the other children looked on in mortified horror. _

Cloud settled himself on top of the moogle set, his cheeks paling at the sudden recollection.

"…_Wow, no wonder you're so messed up."_

_Please… let's not talk about it…_

"_Whoa."_

Cloud zoned out for a bit, before he perked up at Aerith asking what rank he was. As was the norm, he offered his usual pose and nodded that he was first class. When Aerith began comparing him to some _other_ guy, Cloud nearly fell off the play set. As far as he could see, it was as bad as Aerith cheating. What if that other guy was as skilled in swordsmanship, or Gaia forbid, even _handsome?_

Cloud didn't have long to muse on the thought, as a giant gate opened, and a large chocobo carriage rode out, a somewhat scantily dressed female in the back.

_Niiiiice._

He then zoned in on an all too familiar set of bazookas, and almost swallowed his tongue.

"Tifa??!"

The carriage disappeared, and Aerith gave him a skeptical look.

"That girl in the cart was Tifa? Where was she going? She looked kind of slutty..." Aerith remarked.

"What?"

"She looked kind of odd," Aerith quickly corrected, as the still stunned blonde nodded.

"Yeah, kind of slutty."

At that, Aerith clambered off the play equipment and hurried after the carriage. Cloud let out an exasperated sigh. What if Aerith actually _met_ Tifa?

_Good Gaia, that could be awkward._

"_It's not like you're cheating on either of them."_

_I could be!_

"…_No you couldn't."_

Cloud chased away his inner dialogue and ran after the brunette, his thoughts reeling of an odd mixture of childhood memories and the thought of what he might look like in something like Aerith's dress.

_Hot. Undoubtedly._

--

**Spopococ:** I gotta admit; I made myself lol this chapter. At one part in particular. Try and guess what it is.

**HunterBelmont: **I don't even know what to say. Epic chapter, epic dialogue, and wall market is next.

**Spopococ:** Basically, we're pretty pleased with ourselves. With this in mind though, doesn't mean you can stop stroking our egos. We still need it. It's all fine us telling each other we're awesome, but you guys have gotta tell us too. It's like a package deal. –grins to the maxxxxx-

**HunterBelmont:** We slaved our asses off on this.

**Spopococ: **SIX HOURS STRAIGHT OF MIND GRUELLING WRITING.

Just sayin'.

OH!

I seriously almost forgot. I did some doodles for this chapter (Hehe, doodles.), but because deviantart was not being nice to me, I threw them on photobucket instead. SO:

Cloud meets Reno- http : // i91 . photobucket . com / albums / k285 / candycane1990 / CloudmeetsReno . jpg

And the first in a series of pictures of "The World Through Cloud's eyes, Tifa- http : // i91 . photobucket . com / albums / k285 / candycane1990 / TWTCETifa . jpg

Both without the spaces. =D


	5. Mrs Cloudfire

**HunterBelmont: **Welcome, one and all, to the much awaited Wall Market chapter! Hold your applause till the end please. We do hope not to disappoint, and if you really think Cloud is fantastic and shouldn't be made fun of at all…it's amazing you got this far actually. Anyway just like to shout out to all our fans, and say thank you for reading and reviewing; it's a needed ego boost. We love you for loving this story and sending us praise on how we make it funny and such. Anyway I see my offsider/partner is getting into the swing of things and has dressed up like a girl for the chapter….

**Spopococ: **Ass. I AM A GIRL. ANYWAY, since Hunter has taken it upon himself to, you know, be _himself, _then I'll just say a thank you to you guys as well, except in a much nicer fashion. He always seems to include me in his rants. I dunno, I was trying to think of something witty and nasty at the same time to say about him, but he bought us cola! –grin-

**HunterBelmont:** Seriously? You're a girl...-notices Spop's evil look- uh anyway, moving right along… We hope you enjoy this chapter, and of course, feel free to review and send us praise.

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill by now. This chapter in particular, though, will have gratuitous amounts of trans-gender jokes, sexual content, annnnnd as always, Cloud bashing!

_Chapter 5: Mrs. Cloudfire_

_Following Tifa's capture by an unknown group, Cloud and Aerith rush after her and enter Wall Market, a seedy place of lustrous things only rivalled by Los Vegas. Here Cloud has to put it all on the line and dress up to find Tifa._

--

Cloud scampered after his brunette accomplice, his eyes settling on the infamous Wall Market as his woman graced the place with her presence, chatting idly with some seedy hotel owner and eyeing off the rest of the town like she owned the place. Cloud was a little unsettled by the mysterious reggae music blasting across the area, which only increased his suspicions of the over all moral and social bounds that such a dodgy looking village could hold. Aerith, oddly enough, seemed entirely at home.

"This place is scary in a lot of ways. Especially for a girl. So we've got to find Tifa fast," Aerith nodded, as Cloud very elegantly arched an eyebrow.

"You seem quite at home here," He remarked casually, before receiving the most terrifying death glare of his life.

"What is _that_ meant to mean?!" Aerith asked, as the blonde gazed around the town and scampered off to a guy wandering the corner by the gate. He was sweating, more so that a man of his excessive weight probably should be, and Cloud gave him a half-interested ear as he rambled about his horrible decision making regarding some place down on the right. Cloud ignored the comment for now, although his curiosity was drawing his gaze to what seemed to be bright flashing lights and a large group of seedy looking men loitering outdoors.

_Looks like my kinda place._

The blonde spent a short amount of time engaging in conversation with the slum people, seeing it as part of his hero's duty to talk to the lesser crowds. After all, not everyone could be as exceedingly awesome as he was.

Eventually, his interest was drawn back to the fat sweaty man's indecisions, and he headed to the shiny, glowy, seedy looking place in the corner. The guy out the front looked like a real pretty boy; Cloud hated those types. Then, lo' and behold, there was good old Johnny who had left Sector 7 to go on some flash adventure. Turns out sector six was the first stop.

_Yeah… that was a big trip there, Johnny. _

Cloud eyed him off, as the redhead glanced nervously at him and hinted at what kind of place the 'honeybee inn' was exactly. Cloud's interest sky-rocketed. He approached the doorman, fully intending to sneak his way in, but was stopped with an arrogant shake of the head and a remark that only members were permitted entrance.

"Do you know who I _am_?" Cloud remarked, tossing his hair back a little and striking a slight pose, "I'm ex-SOLDIER."

"I'm _terrified_," The doorman drawled, and Cloud felt the words cut through him like a sword of some sort. Words were a vicious tool in the world of Cloud Strife. Pushing aside any homicidal thoughts involving the arrogant door guy, Cloud turned to the other, fatter guy, who promptly asked Cloud if he were looking for a girlfriend.

"You know a girl called Tifa?" Cloud asked, far beyond not-caring about anything slum people had to say after that last little comment.

"Hey, you're pretty fast. Tifa's our newest girl. But, unfortunately, she's having an interview right now. Here at the Honey Bee Inn, it's customary for all the new girls to be taken to Don Corneo's mansion," The guy grinned, as Cloud raised a brow once again, "Don Corneo's a famous dilettante. Now he wants to settle down and is in the market for a bride."

_Bride?! Tifa's __**my**__ woman._

"_What happened to Aerith?"_

_Aerith's __**my**__ woman._

"…_I… never mind…"_

Cloud met up with Aerith, who was already standing out of Don Corneo's mansion for him. It struck him as odd that Aerith seemed to always be ahead of him without actually talking to anyone, but he dismissed it for the moment at least.

"This is the mansion of Don Corneo, the most powerful man in Wall Market, kook. The Don's not into men, so don't let me catch you around here again..." The door man proclaimed rudely, Cloud feeling a rising hatred for doormen within him. Aerith pulled him to the side before he could make the doorman wish he hadn't turned down the second best ex-SOLDIER in existence.

"Hey, this looks like the Don's mansion," Aerith said, completely missing the fact that they had _just_ been told the _exact_ same thing by the doorman, "I'll go take a look and tell Tifa about you."

"No you can't!" Cloud exclaimed, knowing full well that without him, Aerith would probably end up dead. He then got another shiver up his spine at the thought of her death.

_What is __**that **__all about?_

"Why can't I go in, Cloud?" the brunette ask innocently.

"You DO know…what kind of place this is right?" Cloud asked, again shuddering at the thought of his woman in a place like that.

"Then, what am I supposed to do? You want to go in with me?" Aerith smirked slightly, as an idea began to form in her head.

"Well, being the prime male specimen of perfection and ruggedly good looks that I am, that'll be pretty hard. Besides if I bust in there, it'll cause too much commotion."

Cloud struck a pose and smiled slightly, remembering all those hours he spent making himself look as fantastic as he did. The smile quickly faded as Aerith began to giggle; she always seemed to be laughing at him.

"Aerith what's so funny?!" Cloud's feelings yet again being hurt by her and her evil, evil laughing.

Aerith looked at him somewhat deviously, "Cloud, why don't you dress up as a girl? It is the only way."

Her smile at the suggestion was creepy, to say the least.

Cloud's face paled, as he regressed a little.

"_CLOUD! Get up, you lazy brat. It's time to play dress ups!"_

"_But Mamma, I don't __**want**__ to play dress ups again," Cloud whined a bit, before a bottle whacked him across the head at high velocity, subsequently breaking into millions of pieces._

"_You will do as I SAY boy, or so Gaia help me I'll ship you off to Cactuar Island!" His mother towered over him, brandishing another bottle in her left hand._

"…_Ok mum, but this time, can you not show me off to the other parents or introduce me as Cloudina? It embarrasses me, and now the kids at school tease me about it!" he begged slightly, before receiving another hit from the bottle, the blow knocking a few more IQ points off._

"_You do as you're told young man! Just like your no good father, you are never doing what I say and always taking but never giving," She gave Cloud a quick smack across the head with her hand, before pulling out a dress for him to wear._

Cloud snapped back to reality, noticing that he was being dragged towards the dress shop; apparently he didn't get a say in anything that happened. Aerith was already making choices for him, and they weren't even _married_ yet. Cloud wondered if maybe the relationship was based on lies and her telling him what to do, before they promptly arrived at the dress shop.

"Excuse me, I'd like to get a dress," Aerith asked politely, as Cloud realised that a mannequin was eyeing him off rather intensely.

_Not even really alive and it's checkin' me out, oh yeah._

"_Soooo many things wrong with you…"_

The lady behind the counter gave out an excuse that they would have to wait because she was crappy at her job, before going off on a tangent about how her father was an expert, but he was off boozing somewhere. Aerith took it upon herself to go find the crazy old guy and get him to make dresses again somehow. Cloud failed to see the logic, but as Aerith darted ahead, Cloud had little choice but to drearily follow along not too far behind. He always liked shopping, but he knew this wasn't for accessories for himself or hair care products. That reminded him; he needed more extra strength hair gel.

They arrived at the bar, looking around vacantly, before spotting an old man sitting alone with a rather empty glass as he sobbed softly.

"Excuse me; are you the father of the girl at the dress shop?" Aerith asked, yet again being fairly polite.

It would be faster to threaten him, Cloud thought quietly.

"I own the Clothes Shop... but I ain't your father," The old man slurred, hiccupping a few times in between.

Cloud cut in. There was very little attention being paid to him, and it burned him up.

"Make me some clothes," the blonde demanded, trying his best to sound tough.

"I don't make men's clothes…I don't feel much like makin' anything at the moment…" The boozehound slurred a little more, his breath burning Cloud's nostrils. Between this guy and Rolly, Cloud doubted he'd ever have a sense of smell again. Aerith _ordered_ Cloud to go off to the side, and before the blonde could make an indignant comment about slave labour, she sweetened the deal by saying he could get a drink. He felt like he needed one, before flashing back to getting a bottle across the head and shuddering, before moving off to the side.

"_She was evil really,"_

_Huh? Who Aerith?_

"_No… 'Mrs. Strife'."_

Cloud looked over at his woman talking to the probably drunk dress shop owner, before the old man glanced over and laughed. Aerith joined in, though Cloud suspected she was joining in just to convince the old man whatever lie she fed him. Cloud rejoined them, not wanting to be left out on what was so funny, as the old man eyed him off, which made Cloud exceedingly uncomfortable.

_That's creepy… he is like 4 times my age!_

"… _and male…"_

_Oh… yeah, and he's __**male**__!_

"…_Something you're not telling the world, Cloud?"_

_So hey, conversation going on right here…_

"All right, what type of dress do you want then?" The blonde zoned in on the old guy talking, as he continued to check Cloud out whilst saying it.

"Something…" Aerith trailed off as if waiting for that force to tell her what to do again kicked in, "That feels soft, and something that... That shimmers!"

"Hmm, got it. Y'know I got a friend that has the same taste as him. I'll go talk to him."

The trio left the bar and returned to the dress shop, Cloud trying his best to hide his feelings about getting a pretty dress.

"Alright here ya go, go try it on," The owner handed Cloud a purple silk dress. Cloud's jaw dropped, it _was_ a pretty dress, and his favourite colour as well; things were finally going his way.

Cloud entered the dressing room, pausing trying to pretend he didn't know how to put on a dress.

"_Not fooling anyone! Drama queen…"_

Aerith tired to sneak a peek, but seemed not to notice anything but the fact Cloud still didn't look, "pretty" enough for her.

"You're missing something…I know! A wig!"

She moved to the owner asking him if he knew anyone. He went on about knowing that there were plenty of people 'like' Cloud at the gym which made Cloud wonder what exactly it _was_ that Aerith had told the old man in the first place. When he tried to question her about it however, she quickly dismissed him, claiming that it didn't matter, before insisting that they follow the advice of a drunken old man and head for the gym. Cloud eyed off the variety of individuals in there, and did a double take at one of them.

_Is that a girl or...?_

"You the one.... Who wants to be cute?" The figure asked, in a clearly masculine voice.

_Oh holy shit, it's a dude! He's kinda..._

"Cute?" Cloud frowned, as the figure nodded.

"Right," Aerith nodded, "And about the wig..."

"Yeah, I heard. But it'll cost ya," the girly man raised a brow, his eyes roving over Cloud in matter that made the blonde somewhat uncomfortable. At that point, three others working out in the gym came over, and Cloud held back a sigh of relief at the option of a squat competition instead.

A little known fact about Cloud was that he and his second class best friend Kunsel, used to do squats for the kicks. Cloud was well able to do over a thousand squats. There wasn't a chance in hell that he'd be beaten here. The blonde gave a smug smirk as he approached this shady bulky character, before agreeing to the challenge. Girly man, apparently also known as 'Beautiful Bro', asked if the blonde wanted any practice, before Cloud gave a confident shake of the head.

"Nah, I've done this in SOLDIER," Cloud nodded, as girly man gave an impressed raise of his brows. Aerith did that weird eyelash flutter thing again, but Cloud paid little attention, flexing his leg muscles as he grinned charmingly. Cloud stretched a little more, before starting to do his squat thing.

_Down, mid, up, mid, down..._

After thirty seconds of squats, Cloud straightened up to find his competition sweating excessively and seemingly faltering.

"He had seventeen squats, and you had twenty," Girly man announced, as Cloud gave a small fist-pump in the air. _Nobody _beat Cloud at squats. He _was_ the best in SOLDIER, after all.

"You're really something," Girly man winked almost flirtatiously, as Cloud continued striking poses, oblivious of the attention, "Okay; I'm a man of my word. Here you are."

Cloud was then handed a blonde wig, not entirely too different from his own luscious locks, whilst there was a small scuffling between Big Bro and Beautiful bro, as they bickered over who saw him first.

_I'm a stud magnet._

"_You can __**not**__ be proud of that..."_

_...No, just an observation..._

"Alright Cloud," Aerith smiled sweetly, "Let's look at a few more shops. We'll see if we can doll you up a little more."

Cloud gave a firm nod, as they headed back out into the streets of sector six, and a large pot of what seemed to be stew caught the blonde's attention. He headed over, and was almost immediately told by the pot's attendant that it wasn't time for feeding yet. Cloud felt another bubble of insecure paranoia rise within him, insisting to Aerith that the guy had refused him food intentionally, before the brunette led him into the nearest shop possible.

Cloud wondered exactly what girly product they could get at a materia shop, but it seemed his question would have to wait, as the owner quickly made it clear that he wanted Cloud to venture on another errand that he could probably do himself.

"Hey man. Got a minute? I need to talk... man to man."

"...What is it?" Cloud raised an eyebrow, wondering why the hell he indulged these slum people by talking to them, when they always seem to load their daily chores on him.

"Really?! I really appreciate it." The man paused, glancing at Aerith, who was smiling her innocent smile.

".....I'm sorry but, young lady? Would you turn the other way, for a second?"

"Why...?" Aerith sounded innocent yet again; she always seemed to play the innocent smile card.

"Aerith... it's your turn to do as I say, and let us manly men talk," Cloud stated, ensuring that he was keeping his woman in line in front of a potential new manly friend, before quickly turning to face the shop owner. He was well aware that Aerith was probably shooting him a strong death glare, before doing as Cloud had asked.

"I'm sorry, lady," the shop owner offered as a humble apology, seemingly a little bothered by the blonde's attitude, before focusing on Cloud himself.

"Now here's the thing. Do you know that vending machine in the inn?" The guy asked, as Cloud nodded, not really having any idea what he was talking about, "I'm itchin' to know what they're selling in it. I just can't ask a girl to go get it."

Cloud shot a look of bewildered disbelief at the fact that, yet again, he was being asked to do a menial chore that could be done by a monkey. To add onto that, the guy was mentioning some kind of an itch, causing the blonde to wonder what the nature of this product really was. Cloud raised a brow incredulously.

"What? Why don't I buy it myself? Well to tell you the truth, I got in a fight with the guy at the inn and can't go there anymore. Come on, so how 'bout it?" The guy offered his somewhat pathetic reasoning. Cloud nodded reluctantly, before leaving the shop with Aerith in tow, following and berating him with question after question about what exactly it was that they had to do.

"Maybe we should call it a night?" Cloud asked, trying desperately to distract Aerith, who simply nodded and said something about getting some tofu for dinner. Cloud had stopped paying attention in all honesty; the promise of sleep was a good distraction.

_Tofu? What is she talking about? I hate tofu._

"_....She said __**Tifa**__...she's talking about Tifa,"_

_Tifa for dinner? Whilst it's kinda... appealing... that is __**definitely**__ not the balanced meal a growing ex-SOLDIER needs._

"_...You stopped paying attention ages ago didn't you?"_

Somewhere amongst his musings, night had fallen, and Aerith had zonked. Cloud silently got up and snuck into the hallway to the vending machines. It was better than lying across from Aerith herself, who, even when she was asleep, seemingly couldn't stop rambling on about unimportant nonsense; Something about the planet and the 'Seh-trah' or something.

"So this is what he wants me to get...." Cloud leaned closer, checking out the prices, "Well, I suppose I should get the 200 gil one. Nobody calls Cloud a cheapskate."

"…_Nobody __**did**__ call you a cheapskate…"_

"And now, nobody will!" Cloud retorted out loud, before shuffling away.

He quickly ducked behind the side of the machine as someone walked passed. It wasn't exactly a great place to be caught. The blonde grabbed the product and quickly darted back to the room, falling asleep quicker than expected, despite his woman's constant jabbering.

The next morning, the two headed back to the materia shop. The owner perked up upon their entry and did the finger gesture for Aerith to please turn around again. She did so with a minimal fuss this time, although not turning without at least a huff, as she crossed her arms across her chest. Cloud was momentarily distracted by the gesture, before the shop owner opened his mouth again.

"So you got it?" He asked, leaning closer, almost whispering in his attempts to hide the conversation from Aerith.

"I got it," Cloud said, acting as casually as he could muster. After all, he had to pretend that it wasn't the first time he had done such a task.

"Oh really? Hey!" The owner grinned almost maniacally. The store owner wasn't the creepiest guy Cloud had seen so far, but he was definitely getting there; right between the gym guy and the dress shop owner. Cloud gave an absent thought to it, before handing the product over.

"A 'protein drink' set. That jerk. I'm gonna do so much more business than him, his head'll spin," the shop owner cried, punching the air as the blonde mercenary gave him a rather puzzled look. Cloud didn't really get why everything had been kept as such a secret from the brunette, and why had he been so embarrassed about it.

_It's only protein drink, what's the big deal?_

"Alright man, I'm motivated now so take this as a sign of my thanks," The owner smiled, as he handed over a diamond studded tiara which sparkled brightly in the light. Cloud immediately tried it on to make sure it was his size, much to the puzzled looks of Aerith and the shop owner.

_Holy mother of Gaia... It looks sooo good on me!_

"_...."_

_What? Just cause it totally does..._

"_Why did that guy have a diamond tiara anyway?"_

Cloud ignored his inner musings, something that was becoming a recurring instance, and he and Aerith both headed back to the sweaty fat guy down by the entrance to the town. He 'ummed' and 'ahhed' for a little bit, before the guy handed Cloud a card. The blonde, avoiding the smell of the card for the moment, latched his eyes on what it was that the card had scrawled across it. Apparently, it was a membership to the Honeybee Inn. Cloud, ever the cool, calm, and collected individual that he was, forcefully prevented his eyes from bulging from their sockets, before heading down the path to the Honeybee. He stopped outside whilst all the men took their chance to grovel around his brunette woman.

"_...Are you seriously going to stand for that?"_

_I wonder if they have any redheads... Or maybe a more exotic colour... like a reddish-brown or... or __**silver**__..._

"_They're swarming your... 'Woman'... and you're more interested in the tramps inside?"_

_Maybe a girl with some nice, long, silver hair..._

"_For the love of-"_

"Hey! Is that a 'Member's Card' I see shining in your hot little hand?" The guy at the door asked, as Cloud approached, the blonde cautious of the fact that it very much seemed like door guy was hitting on him.

"Please, come in," the doorman grinned slyly, as Cloud abandoned Aerith amongst the sleazy men and slipped inside. As soon as he entered, a girl dressed in a slinky little bumble bee suit approached him and demanded he quickly pick a room. For a strange moment, Cloud was almost sure that she was saying negative things about him. He brushed it aside and headed for the dressing room, talking to a few of the honeybees in there, as they idly whispered amongst themselves. Cloud soon grew tired of the time being spent on someone other than him, before he moved back outside, and the bossy bee from the beginning rushed him along a little. He took a peek through one of the keyholes, and locked eyes on an elderly couple making some suspicious noises, before he retracted himself from the door in a hurry.

Cloud moved to another room and decided to take a gander through the keyhole, only to find himself setting his sights on... something he didn't want to think too much about.

_...Is that the president?_

"_..."_

There was some kind of role-playing going on, talking about the Promised Land or something or other, and whilst Cloud was all for some odd kinks and kicks that some people may have, he wasn't all that interested in people dressing up as-

_Holy... is that meant to be Sephiroth?_

Cloud's interest was piqued as the president wiggled his brows suggestively, before the honeybee just about dragged him from the peephole.

"Alright, alright," Cloud muttered, dragging his attentions to choosing a room. After checking out the names, he realised he had the option of the 'Group room' or the '&$#% Room'. It was just about a hands down decision then, as Cloud elegantly arched an eyebrow at the '$#% Room', and subtly told the bee he'd take it. She asked for confirmation, and Cloud put his foot down, his impatience a little overbearing as he told her not to make him repeat himself. She muttered some things under her breath, before ushering Cloud into the room, closing the door behind him.

The blonde froze, seeing a silhouette of a figure by the tub that looked remarkably like... him.

_Hel~lo handsome!_

"_...What?"_

Cloud put a little of his charm on, as the Cloud figure approached him.

"Hmm.....? You.....? What are you doing in a place like this?" Cloud asked, as ghostly Cloud came towards him. It was then that a part of the blonde's brain went into over-drive at trying to comprehend the image before him.

_...That doesn't work..._

"_Hooray, he's __**thinking**__."_

_That's... me?_

"_Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself."_

Cloud, as if on cue, then clutched at his mind, seemingly overwhelmed with pain, before the ghostly version of him spoke up.

"That's what I want to ask you. Should you be foolin' around here? You think problems will go away just thinkin' about them?" Ghostly Cloud asked.

_What..?_

Ghostly Cloud rose and fell into Cloud's body, as the blonde quickly fell unconscious.

_"You can't change anything by just sitting back and looking at it." _

_What are you saying?_

_"It's started moving."_

_What has?_

Cloud felt the room spin a little, as he opened his eyes slowly.

"Uh... OW..!!" the blonde groaned, abruptly aware of a large weight on him and the sides of his face being slapped repeatedly, accompanied by the repeated phrase of 'wake up'. Cloud opened his eyes properly, and became aware of a burly man in nothing more than a pair of budgie smugglers, straddling him. The blonde sat up abruptly, the blood draining from his face at the stranger straddling him, before the stranger fell on his side and told Cloud he was pleased to find him well.

"Bubby!! I heard you collapsed," The stranger, apparently named 'Mukki' remarked, as Cloud struggled away from the scantily clad man, "No, no, no. Don't get so uptight."

"Ugh?" Cloud frowned, as the stranger muttered some things and began to slip from the room. Cloud made to follow, and 'Mukki' turned to the blonde.

"Don't get depressed over a thing like this. It happens to me all the time," Mukki winked his moustache wriggling.

_... Eh?_

Cloud shuffled over to talk to the honey bee. Any excuse to get away from the strange scantily clad individual was well appreciated. After speaking to the honeybee, however, she offered him a pair of lingerie briefs, and Cloud was beyond confused.

_Those __**are**__ quite... fetching... though..._

Cloud cleared his throat, however, concerned with the impression he was giving others.

"What, this rag? For me!? I just don't get it," Cloud cried, feigning outrage, as he headed out the door and back for the dressing room on his way passing a familiar looking redhead.

The blonde gave a wiggle of his eyebrows as he spoke to the honeybees within there, and they screwed up their faces with what Cloud could clearly see as being nothing but admiration.

He struck up a conversation with one of the girls, and curiosity mixed with logic somehow lead him to asking for a make up application on his face. The honeybee gave him an odd look, but complied, seemingly wanting the blonde to simply go away. He gave a glance at himself in the mirror and gave a satisfied nod, before heading out the door. Aerith was being ogled by several sleazebags, before Cloud gallantly disrupted the gathering and listened to how effectively Aerith had scammed them of their money.

_Women are manipulative._

"Hey Cloud!" The brunette smiled sweetly, in a way that once again had Cloud questioning just how innocent Aerith was behind that smile.

"Hey Aerith," He nodded, as she looped her arm through his.

"Should we eat?" She asked politely, her eyes flicking to the crowd of seemingly grumpy individuals who now knew she was off limits.

_**My**__ woman._

"_...Well shit, it seems so..."_

The pair of them headed to look for somewhere to eat, and Cloud was distracted by the flailing arms of a salesman attempting to pitch their own establishment to passers-by.

"Please come in. Here's a free 'Pharmacy Coupon' if you enter now," An individual outside a restaurant called out. There were few words that Cloud's ears perked up at immediately. 'Free' was definitely one of those, as was 'pharmacy', but that was a different story. Cloud casually shuffled inside, not wanting to look too much like a cheapskate, before taking a seat between a fat ass and a loud mouth, catching eyes with the chef and offering a 'feed me now' kind of expression. The chef came over, all grease, sweat, and excessive body hair, before casually leaning on the counter and asking what the blonde wanted. There was very little variety, but always up for a treat, Cloud ordered the 'special'. Cloud finished, and gave a nod at the cheesy grin along the chef's face. It tasted awful.

"It was alright..." The blonde nodded, as the chef handed over a coupon.

_Cha-ching!_

Cloud headed straight for the pharmacy and approached the desk, where the clerk seemed stoned and barely even comprehending the approaching blonde.

"Whoa! Why don't you say something, if you're standing there?" The guy asked, upon noticing that Cloud was standing there, his blood shot eyes locking on to Cloud's coupon, "Oh, you have a coupon. Then please select any one medicine you like."

Cloud frowned a little, his eyes raking over the selection before him. There was a limited variety, and much to Cloud's disappointment, there were no enhancing drugs, or anything along the lines of Cloud's usual purchase choices. Feeling illness rifling through his stomach, however, he reluctantly picked a digestive and handed over his coupon. Cloud nodded, before heading off to the bar, knowing all too well that if he didn't have some kind of booze to wash the digestive down with, he was likely to throw it up before it'd help him out. His stomach, however, was not doing so well. Before he even had the opportunity to ingest a little of it, his stomach was heading him towards the toilet. It was occupied.

_NOOOOOO!_

The woman in the toilet gave a flustered look up at Cloud, as the blonde thrust his digestive in her hands.

"Get out, get out!" The blonde urged, as he flung the woman out of the toilet stall, and disappeared into the confines of the tiny bathroom. After several entirely long minutes within the bathroom's confines, Cloud re-emerged, stomach settled, and his thoughts vowing to never eat slum food again. The woman outside was waiting with a flirtatious smile along her lips, before thanking the blonde with a bottle of perfumed cologne. Cloud gave a suave look, well aware of the woman's suggestive glance, before she leant to his ear and lowered her voice.

"Spray some of that in the bathroom, it stinks," she murmured, and Cloud slumped slightly in his posture.

_Fine. But I'm keeping the freaking cologne!_

The woman disappeared, and someone else boldly stepped into the bathroom, much to Cloud's mix of amusement and embarrassment. Aerith looked over from her mid-slump against the bar, and smiled a little lopsidedly.

_...Has she been drinking?_

"Come on Cloud; let's go to the dress shop!" The brunette urged, as Cloud allowed her to guide him there.

Cloud slipped into the dressing stall and changed properly into his dress, ensuring to pull on his sexy new lingerie, smoking hot dress, and entirely wonderful dress. He looked over at himself in the mirror, and stars filled his eyes. He was...

_**Beautiful!**_

"_Ah Gaia..."_

_Oh Gaia, I look __**gorgeous**__!_

"_I... Give up..."_

_This could be a new thing for me! _

Cloud flung open the curtains, and was pleased as each jaw in the room dropped in succession. The dress shop owner nodded, seemingly impressed, as he exchanged a glance with his daughter.

"Hmm, not bad. This may be a new business for me," the owner nodded, and Cloud fought back outrage. 'Not bad'? Not likely! Cloud _knew_ he looked _amazing_, who was this guy kidding?

"Oh you are so **cute**, Miss Cloud!" Aerith beamed, as Cloud did a little strut as if he was on a catwalk, before she demanded a dress for herself.

Aerith looked through the large selection of dresses, seemingly ignoring the advice given by the old man and his daughter about which dress was best, until she picked out the second most seductive dress in the shop and headed into the change room. Cloud smirked to himself, knowing that the honour of owning the first belonged to him and him alone.

Before long, Aerith threw open the curtain and did a sultry walk showing off her new red dress.

"So Cloud, what do you think?"

_Whoa..._

"_Indeed."_

_What no insult?_

"_Not now..."_

Aerith simply smiled before taking him by the hand leading him out of the shop and towards Corneo's mansion in search of Tofu. As they went towards the mansion they passed a familiar looking redhead whose head followed them.

"Wow the one in the red dress isn't bad but the one in the purple….somebody let the gorilla out of the zoo, lucky I didn't get stuck with that flat-chest!" Reno mused before heading back to Turk Headquarters.

**--**

**A/N**

**Chapter Image: **Sorry, deviant art's not working FOR SOME LAME ASS REASON (spopococ here, if the swear didn't indicate enough), so I'll throw up chapter art link on profile with the others as soon as is possible. Stay tuned!

**HunterBelmont: **Well we hope you enjoyed the first part of the wall market section and we do hope you enjoyed it....soo Spop no hard feelings about the crack about you being a guy right?

**Spopococ:** Well, considering I just shaved off all my hair for Leukemia research, I reckon I should KICK YOUR ASS. Actually, totally unrelated... How would you like... to go for a little... 'ride'?

**HunterBelmont: **Well how was I suppos....oooo a ride doesn't sound bad at all and completely innocent.

**Spopococ: **Anyway, hope you liked the chapter. ^-^


	6. Dude looks like a Lady!

**Spopococ: **Annnd, we're back! Time for another fast paced adventure in the world of FFVII… sort of. So, due to his little comments last chapter regarding the author's notes, my colleague has… gone for a little journey… holiday… type thing.

***cuts to a distant town in Germany, where HunterBelmont is attempting to converse with the locals… in Italian***

**Spopococ: **behehehe… Uhm, what? Anyway… uh... oh yeah. We're now heading over to Don Corneo's mansion this chapter. Gags a plenty. Hunter and I are very grateful for the reviews, no matter how large or small, and hey, NEW READERS!! *waves* Anyway, to quote a great Italian profit: "Let'sa Go!"

**Warnings: **… Oh, you poor misguided souls. If you've come this far and are not yet mentally scarred… Well… This is a parody piece of work. We don't really hate the world we're writing about, or the characters (Except Cait Sith and Tifa. That's pure hate right there), we're just making fun of something we love. There's _plenty_ of weirdness this chapter (Dead serious, a scene in the president's office near the end, written by… _Hunter_, even surprised the shit outta me - **spop**) and curses. Yes, you should all also expect THAT by now. This chapter refers to prostitution, makes fun of child being abused, cross dressing being completely cool, but HEY! Drugs are bad, mmkay?

_Chapter Six- Dude looks like a la-dy!_

_The team enters the mysterious fortress of… FAT GUY CORNEO! –cue gasps- Whilst Tifa struts her stuff, as is the norm, and Aerith attempts to pass off the innocent flower girl routine to a new crowd, Cloud… 'puts on an act' of enjoying his femininity, and puts on a show for Corneo... Much to Corneo's displeasure. _

--

Cloud trailed behind Aerith as they arrived at the front door of the mansion, the doorman's eyes going straight to Cloud's legs before giving him a long look up and down.

"Damn girl, where have you been all my life?" The doorman exclaimed, still looking Cloud up and down and giving him suggestive looks.

"Stop dreaming, door boy… I'm way too classy for you!" Cloud huffed, flicking his hair back, enjoying the moment of crushing the doorman who dared to insult him before.

_Sweet, sweet revenge._

The doorman held his chest before moving away, allowing them entry to the mansion. As Cloud passed, he swore he heard the doorman mouth something about his rotten luck with women. As they entered, Cloud's eyes instantly widened at the luxurious mansion and Aerith mentioned something about it being classy, before a receptionist approached them.

"Hey, ladies. I'll go and let the Don know you're here. Wait here. Don't go wandering around..." The receptionist nodded, before he began to walk away. His eyes were moving from Cloud to Aerith, and then back again, as if trying to decide who the better looking girl was.

Aerith gave Cloud a slight nudge, "Now's our chance to go find Tifa."

Cloud nodded, before wondering why Aerith always seemed to do the opposite of what anyone told her, and then wondered how they'd manage to get into some sort of terrible trouble.

Cloud felt the mystical force guide him yet again, this time taking him up the stairs and through a door. Cloud stopped upon entering the room, which was filled with nasty looking devices and a large amount of leather outfits that looked oddly familiar to Cloud.

_This looks like…._

"_Wow, Don Corneo is pretty messed up."_

_Is that a…?_

"_Oh Gaia, that's….not right."_

As Cloud snapped back to reality, (noticing that Aerith had walked over to a large breasted slutty looking woman who seemed to be smiling while playing with one of the leather straps) he shuddered a bit. That was also as the realisation hit that the woman was no woman at all, but in fact, Tifa.

"...Tifa? Nice to meet you. I'm Aerith. Cloud's told me a lot about you," Aerith smiled, as she gave a quick glance to Cloud.

Tifa blinked, "...And you are? Hey, you're the one with Cloud in the park..."

Tifa shot a puzzled look at Cloud, before turning back to Aerith, who said something Cloud didn't quite pick up.

"_Well that's a situation I wouldn't want to be in."_

_What are you talking about?_

"_Both of your 'women' are in the same room…and are talking to each other…about you."_

_So...? Oh… OH!_

Cloud snapped back to reality, quickly noticing that both women were looking at him, as if expecting an answer to a question.

"Cloud?" Tifa leaned a bit closer, checking him out, before jumping back a bit, ""Why are you dressed like that!? And what are you doing here!? Forget that, what happened to you after the fall!? Are you hurt!?"

"Hey, give me a chance to explain!" Cloud cut in, honestly sick of Tifa already even though they had been talking for a total of six seconds, "I'm dressed like this... because there was no other way to get in here. I'm all right. Aerith helped me out."

"What, out of the _closet_?" Tifa almost yelled, before Cloud continued on about how it really was the only way and that it wasn't his fault he made a really convincing girl.

"Tifa, what are you doing in a place like this anyway?" Cloud asked, trying to distract them from his last comment.

"Yeah, ummm," Tifa fidgeted a bit, as Aerith got the hint to move across to the other side of the room so they could have a quiet conversation.

Tifa began from the start.

"When we got back from the Number 5 reactor, there was this weird man. So Barret caught him and squeezed some information out of him."

Cloud's mind jumped to Barret crushing some poor guy's head while cursing at him in the extreme.

"So that's when the Don's name popped up?" Cloud asked.

"Right, Don Corneo. Barret told me to leave the leech alone...But something's been bothering me," Tifa stretched her arms a bit.

"I see. So you wanted to get the story straight from Corneo's…mouth," Cloud raised an eyebrow slightly; the thought of his woman trying to seduce Corneo to get information made his blood boil a little.

"So I made it here, but now I'm in a bind. Corneo is looking for a bride. Everyday, he gets three girls, chooses one of them, and then...." Tifa paused at the thought, whilst Cloud instantly thought that a step down from him would make anyone sick, "...and, well.... Anyway, I have to be the girl... or I'm out for tonight."

Aerith suddenly spun around and rushed over, and jumped in, as was quickly becoming the norm.

"Sorry... but I overheard...if you know the three girls, there's no problem, right?"

_She was listening the whole time!_

"I guess so, but…" Tifa trailed off as Aerith interrupted _again_.

"We have two here, right?" Aerith had that sly look on her face again.

"No Aerith you can't get involved!" Cloud stamped his foot; he wouldn't have some perverted old guy objectifying his woman and trying to seduce her.

"Oh? So it's all right for Tifa to be in danger?" Aerith placed her hands on her hips, readying her death glare.

"Of course...! … I don't…" Cloud corrected, feeling a cold chill go through him, as Tifa walked straight past him and began to speak to Aerith about it.

_Totally dodged a bullet there._

"_Yeah, keep telling yourself that."_

"He---y!!" A voice from the stairs called, "It's time, ladies. The Don is waiting! I told ya not to wander around...I tell ya; women nowadays...Hurry up, will ya!" The voice belonged to the now rather nervous looking receptionist.

The trio began to walk to towards the stairs as Cloud asked, "I probably don't need to ask but the other girl is...Me...... right?" Aerith and Tifa giggled, off in their own little world and completely ignoring Cloud. One of these days, Cloud would understand women, and then… Well, he'd probably have an easier time understanding what it was that had just happened. For the time being however, he simply followed them up the stairs and into the Don's private quarters.

--

_He is __**sooo**__ fat. _

Cloud brushed back a stray lock of luscious blonde hair, and lightly ran a finger underneath his eyelids to pick up any stray eye shadow that may have fallen down. The simple gesture sent his conscience spiraling off into a different time, as he envisioned his mother before him, her finger waggling in front of her face.

"_Oh no Cloudina, you mustn't ever rub your eyes unless it is to pick up stray shadow," His mother scolded, as the blonde cringed slightly, half expecting a backhand across the face to accompany the words of advice._

"_So… If I rub it, it smudges?"_

"_Yes," Cloud's mother nodded, as she then tottered Cloud across the room in a pair of her heels, "Now smile and tell mummy how pretty you are!"_

"_I'm… I'm a boy mum," Cloud pouted, as Mrs. Strife gave her best death glare. Grateful that it wasn't shopping day and they'd run out of soda and alcoholic beverages, Cloud received no bottle across his skull, but instead, cringed at his mother's words._

"_You're… pretty, Cloudina, aren't you?" She bit back on each word as the blonde plastered on his 'model' face and stuck out his arms, doing a twirl._

"_I'm a pretty girl, mummy!" He offered with the sweetest smile he could muster, even as alarm bells went off in his head, and his conscience begged him to get the hell out of there before this shit did him some permanent damage._

"Hmmm! Good, splendid!" the fat man's musings drew Cloud back to reality.

"I'm a pretty girl!" The blonde smiled sweetly, as the Don cast a glance over at him. Tifa eyed him off wearily, as the Don looked over Aerith, and Cloud cleared his throat in a manly matter. That only earned a glare from Aerith, as Corneo moved over to Tifa.

"_Cloud!_" she hissed under her breath in warning, "You're meant to be a _girl_!"

"I know Aerith, Gaia. What are you, my mum?" Cloud replied in a clipped tone, as Aerith arched a brow. The blonde simply returned his gaze to the front of him as Corneo continued to ramble on. That was, until the Don stopped before him, all charm and… fat. Cloud didn't meet his gaze, and refused to several more times, for fear of possibly snaring the Don's attention with his blatantly, _amazingly_ gorgeous eyes.

"Woo-hoo, I've made up my mind!! My choice for tonight is....." The Don paused, as Cloud looked around for the source of some kind of… drum roll?

_I need to get myself someone who does that on command._

"This healthy-looking girl!" The Don's musings brought him back, as the fat blonde before him wiggled his hips a little in Cloud's direction.

…_fuck._

"Wa, wait a sec! I mean, uh, please wait a moment!" Cloud said in an unusually high pitched voice, even more so than his 'feminine' tones.

"Woo-hoo! I love chickies who play hard to get! Yeowza!" Don leered, as he wiggled his brows, and Cloud was almost certain he threw up in his mouth a little. Don then gave Tifa and Aerith to his flunkies, as Cloud contemplated how much profit he could make as a pimp, before the blonde was lead away by Corneo and his fat, jiggling hips.

--

Cloud's eyes scanned the room with something a little more than simple distaste.

_Does this guy think we're still in the sixties or something?_

"_I think I smell weed…"_

_Oh ew._

"Ahh, we're finally alone... All right, pussycat... Come to daddy!" Corneo leered, as Cloud awkwardly scratched the back of his wig.

_Is this guy for real?_

"…_You think you're any better?"_

Cloud reluctantly shuffled over and stood beside the bed, all pride and prejudice like.

"You're so cute, I never get tired of looking at you," Corneo grinned, as Cloud lit up like a Christmas tree, "Do you like me, too?"

…_He thinks I'm pretty._

"Of course!" Cloud said softly, all seduction and sweetness rolled into one irresistible 'Strife Special', "I never get tired of looking at me either. We clearly have a lot in common…"

"You sure do know how to make a guy feel good!" Corneo leered a little more, "Then wh... what do you want to DO?"

Cloud stilled a little. He wouldn't mind going for pizza or something, actually. It'd been awhile since he'd eaten and all this… exercise? Well, it couldn't be good for him, surely. Corneo should maybe become a mercenary, with that in mind. But, Cloud was a pleaser, and so his answer was whatever his new pimp daddy wanted it to be.

"Whatever YOU want, daddy," Cloud practically purred, despite having his voice break mid sentence. Corneo raised a brow, but oddly enough, didn't seem deterred by this new change of events.

_He likes his girls manly. __**I'm in!**_

"_Oh for the love of Gaia…"_

"Oh man! I can't stand it! All right, then...." Corneo paused dramatically, and Cloud was almost a little put off by this man's stage skills. Was it possible that Cloud could be out-acted?

"…_oh no, never."_

"Give me a kiss! A KISS!!" Don grinned, as Cloud instinctively began to lean in.

"_WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"_

_What? He asked for it!_

"_Are you freaking crazy?!"_

It was at that moment that Aerith and Tifa busted through the door, Tifa throwing Cloud a look of awed mortification as the blonde continued to pucker up for the Don, despite his eyes turning to the door at the commotion.

"Cloud... Were you really...?" Tifa began to ask.

"_I swear to Shiva if you don't deny everything, I'm disowning you."_

…_What?_

"_SAY NO."_

Cloud shook his head violently, before striking a manly pose and jumping back from the Don, tearing his dress off in the process, revealing his full SOLDIER garb underneath, complete with Buster Sword.

"A man?! What's going on?!" Don cried, before furrowing his brows slightly, "You know… how the hell did you keep that all under there?"

"Shut up, we're asking the questions now..." Tifa threatened, "What did your assistants find out? Talk! If you don't tell us..."

Cloud placed a foot up on the bed, as Don looked him over again.

"You know, you really are very muscular. How _did_ you fit under there? Seriously?" Corneo asked, as Tifa sighed and repeated her threat.

"…I'll chop them off," Cloud warned, a toothy grin along his features. Whilst he didn't entirely agree with the punishment, anyone with acting skills like Corneo could not be allowed to have children. Cloud had to eliminate the threat from the source.

"No! Not that! I'll talk! I'll tell you everything!" Corneo nodded enthusiastically, as he continued to leer at Tifa and Aerith.

"Keep your eyes off my women!" Cloud bellowed, as Aerith and Tifa both gave sidelong glances at him.

"…_Idiot."_

"...I made 'em find out where the man with the gun-arm was. But that's what I was ordered to do," Corneo said in defense of himself, Cloud's previous comment seemingly ignored.

_Gotta work on my street cred._

"By who?" Tifa asked suspiciously, but Corneo denied being able to sacrifice such information. That is… until Aerith threatened to _rip_ them off. Cloud cringed a little where he stood, but didn't react nearly as hysterically as Corneo, who outright wailed.

"Waaaaah--! It was Heidegger of Shinra! Heidegger, the head of Public Safety Maintenance!" Corneo blabbered.

"The head of Public Safety Maintenance?" Cloud repeated.

Cloud then cringed a little more as Tifa threatened to… smash them?

"Oh come on!" Cloud cried in defence of the fat pimp, "Some things are just cruel!"

Once again, however, his comment went un-noticed, and he resumed his sulking in the corner, whilst Corneo talked about something like dinner plates or whatever. Wasn't that big of a deal, according to Cloud.

"Cloud, will you come with me to sector 7?" Tifa then asked, as Cloud stopped picking at the hem of his shirt and started paying attention.

"Of course, Tofu," He said almost robotically. Cloud then shifted off slightly into thoughts that maybe when typing up details of her birth certificate, Tifa had been a typo. Cloud thought on it harder and realized how startingly close the 'i' and 'o' on a keyboard were. Very plausible. Before Tifa could backhand him, however, Corneo was waggling his fat ass all over the bed and demanding they wait. Cloud would hear no more from the man who refused him a kiss before the girls showed up, and put his foot down.

"Shut up!" He said as manly as he could muster, but it didn't stop the little waver of emotional distress on his tone. Rejection was a bitch.

"No wait, it'll only take a second. How do you think scum like me feels when they babble on about the truth?" Corneo asked, as Cloud thought long and hard about the situation.

_Any ideas?_

"_Keep me the hell out of it; I'm not talking to you any more."_

"They're… sure they'll win?" Cloud suggested, as Corneo did the weird hip wiggle again, repulsing all three other occupants of the room.

"Woo-hoo! Right!" Corneo grinned, before flicking a switch on his bed post and sending the party falling through the floor.

_WHAT THE HELL?! This is what I get for being right?!_

"…_Well, you're not, usually, so I guess it __**is**__ a surprise…"_

_I thought you weren't talking to me…_

"…"

--

President Shinra looked up at the life-sized doll's emotionless face, his fingers creasing the cheek softly.

"Oh Sephiroth… Why don't you get more comfortable?" Shinra purred, slowly moving behind the doll.

His hands ran down the shoulders, before removing the coat, "My… what big muscles you have… and such lovely flowing hair. Tell me, is _**everything**_ Masamune size?"

"Mister President…Sir?" Heidegger interrupted, Shinra spinning around to see the head of public safety and maintenance, as well as Reeve, head of urban development, standing in front of the desk with mortified expressions.

"Wh…What are you two doing?! I told you never interrupt me during my private reflection time!" Shinra threw the jacket over the doll, "What did you two want anyway?"

"Ah Sir, the preparations are complete…" Heidegger said, his eyes drifting to the covered doll.

"President!! Are we really going to do this? Simply destroy a group with only a few members..." Reeve cried, stopping half way through to cover his mouth in his efforts to keep his vomit in.

"What's the problem, Reeve? You want out?" The President asked before moving back in front of the doll, his hand slowly rubbing up and down the chest, seemingly no longer bothered by the presence of an audience.

"...No," Reeve said flatly, before turning his gaze away from the president and his…doll, "But, as head of the Urban Development Department, I have been involved in the building and running of Midgar. That's why..."

Heidegger interrupted, "Reeve, you should flush those personal problems in the morning!"

Reeve tried to bring up the mayor also being against it, but was shot down again by Heidegger, who then saluted the president and left. He was followed shortly after by an extremely uncomfortable Reeve, leaving the president and the doll completely alone again.

"Ah, finally we are alone again, my pet…" Shinra smirked, as he reached for the jacket, moving in as close as he could before grabbing it. He inhaled the scent of the leather a bit, before swinging it around and sliding his arms into the proper holes.

"Oh President…my jacket looks soo good on you," Shinra said, attempting to dub Sephiroth's voice.

"Well how about a little…role-play then?" The president replied to himself, before moving closer to the doll and subtly rubbing up against it.

_-Meanwhile, back at Turk Headquarters-_

A well-kept brow arched elegantly, as the video footage in front of him on the monitor gradually progressed into something a little less than… normal.

"Uh, Rude, could you come in here a minute please?" Tseng called out, as the bald-headed man entered his senior's office and raised a brow in question. The Turk Commander gestured at the monitor, his eyes transfixed, like a horrible car accident that you just couldn't turn away from.

"_Well how about a little…role-play then?" _The monitor speaker's exclaimed, as the bald-headed Turk's jaw dropped substantially. For a man with darker skin, Rude could certainly blush when the need arose, and arise it did. Both he and Tseng stared in morbid horror at the scene unfolding before them, sitting in the mostly dark room, as the light from the screen danced across their skin.

"Yo, I grabbed a tray of lattés and a cup of that fancy shit you like while I was down in sector six," Reno chattered in Tseng's direction, as he waltzed in smelling of cheap perfume, and lipstick on his collar, "And did ya see the new broad they've got at the Honeybee? Not being picky but- FOR THE LOVE OF GAIA, WHAT IS THAT?!"

The redhead dropped the tray of coffee in morbid amusement, as he abruptly rushed to his senior's chair and peered over the Commander's shoulder.

"_Oh Sephiroth, please, allow __**me**__ to save __**your**__ world!"_

"Did he… what?" Reno snorted, hysterical, as Rude and Tseng looked on in horror. It was then that the light switch flicked on, and the perky blonde head of the secretary, Elena waltzed into the room.

At the distraction, all three men raised their eyes.

"Oh hey!" She smiled widely, "What are you guys do-?"

"_Nothing!_ Go, get out!" Tseng rushed, hurriedly covering the screen as Rude blushed further, and tears streamed down Reno's cheeks. Elena reluctantly left the room, presuming they were probably looking at porn from Reno's reaction. She'd never know the truth of how very close to right she was.

--

Cloud, Aerith and Tifa came flying out of the shoot, landing in what seemed to be the slum sewers. Cloud was first up as he swore about how now he would have to burn his outfit, before noticing something go floating past his leg slowly. He bit back the shriek threatening to spill forward.

_Oh Gaia I hope that wasn't what I think it is!_

Cloud ran over to Aerith helping her up before asking if she was ok.

_Like a good boyfriend should!_

It then hit him that he should _probably_ check if Tifa was ok, too.

"Man this is terrible!" Tifa proclaimed, and for once Cloud actually agreed with her. After all, there was little that was worse than landing in a sewer; let alone the slum sewer. He frowned a bit at the thought of all the kinds of things he could _catch_ from this stuff, as he was no longer covered by SOLDIER's health care plan.

"Well, the worst is over!" Aerith brushed herself down a bit, before a loud rumbling grabbed there attention, "Maybe not…"

_Why is it every time someone says that, something terrible happens?_

A large aqua blue monstrosity came from out of nowhere, giving a loud and mean roar, before the trio were thrust into battle with it.

_Holy shit, the rumours about the monsters in the sewers is true!_

"_200 gil on the monster."_

_You're on!_

Before long, the battle was over, but not before the monster had used a tidal wave of sewer water as a weapon against them. Cloud flicked the water from his hands, screaming that he needed a bath or a shower in extremely hot water to get clean after this incident, which also probably traumatized him further.

"…_That thought is… concerning."_

_You owe me two hundred gil, you know._

"_Cloud, just think about the logic there…"_

Cloud stretched and let out a small frown as his makeup streaked down his cheeks. His mum would have a field day.

--

**A/N: **

**Chapter Images: **_Spoppy is currently working away from home, where she does NOT have a scanner. *sob, sob, tear* Will be taking pics with me when I visit daddy, who has a scanner, and you may have your lol-pics then. Look out for links on our profile page, as always. :3_

**Spopococ: **Rest assured, Hunter sent me his input from Germany. Apparently they have ADSL over there or something. Yay. Hope you liked the chapter. As always, we now have chapter images, so if you missed the last ones, they're on our page… Wait, hang on… Uh… Hi there…

**HunterBelmont: **Gluten Tag! Or as the locals say "Bongiorno!"

**Spopococ:** …How did you get back he- Uh… How did your 'holiday' go?

**HunterBelmont: **...Last thing I remember was being told there were cookies in that shipping container... by you… Then something pricked my neck and I woke up in Italy.

**Spopococ: **Germany.

**HunterBelmont:** Bless you.

**Spopococ:** *facepalm* As you can see, we based Cloud off a real life person!

**HunterBelmont:** Really? Who?

**Spopococ:** …Thanks for reading.

**Additional**: a special shout out to Kiti Renentine Spop says she loves you! Oh and Happy Zombie Jesus weekend to all!


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